What to Do When Your Situationship Won't Commit

Decide what you actually want, ask her once in plain words, and believe the answer. If she wants a relationship, she will say so or show it. If she keeps dodging, she has told you what she wants, even if she never says it. You then choose between taking the situation as it is, with your eyes open, or leaving. Waiting for her to change her mind while you act like a boyfriend is the one option that reliably loses.

Before you ask her anything, answer it yourself. "I want a girlfriend" and "I want to keep seeing her and see where it goes" are different positions, and men often confuse them.

Write one sentence. Something like: "I want to be exclusive with her within the next month, or I want to stop." If you cannot write a sentence like that, the problem is not her commitment. It is that you have not decided.

This matters because coach describes a relationship as two things: a contract and a story. The contract is what each of you expects from the other. The story is what you mean to each other. A situationship has a lot of the story and no clear contract, so both of you are guessing. You can only fix the contract if you know the terms you want.

Do it in person or on a call, not by text, and not in the middle of an argument or in bed. Pick a calm moment and keep it short:

"I really like spending time with you. I am looking for something exclusive, and I want to know if you are. If not, that is okay, I just want to be honest about where I am."

That wording does three things. It states your position without pressure. It gives her room to say no. And it does not apologize, because you are not asking permission to have a need.

Do not ask "what are we?" with an anxious face and an hour of buildup. Men who ask like that often hear "I do not want to put a label on things," because the question sounded like a request for reassurance and not a statement of intent.

Her reply will fall into one of three groups.

Yes. Good. Then act like it: introduce her to friends, make plans a week ahead, and let the label match the reality.

Not yet, with specifics. She says she is coming out of something, or she is moving in two months, and she tells you what she does want. That can be honest, and you can decide whether you can live with it. Treat a date you set together as a real answer, but do not accept an endless "soon."

A dodge. "I do not like labels." "Let us not overthink it." "Why does it have to be a thing?" A dodge to a clear question is an answer. She has heard what you want, and she is declining to give it while still enjoying what she has.

This is the part men skip. While you wait, you are likely giving a boyfriend's time, attention and effort for none of a boyfriend's commitment.

coach describes what happens when a man keeps giving and a woman keeps asking for more. Each extra favor lowers her attraction a little. The relationship slowly drifts away from the one she first liked. Whatever you think of the details, the practical rule is sound. If she is not offering exclusivity, stop offering the benefits of it.

That means seeing her less, not canceling your plans for her, not being available at midnight, and not doing the emotional work of a partner. You are not punishing her. You are matching your behavior to what you have been offered.

A man who has a full life of his own can ask for commitment from a calm place. Keep your gym, friends, work and other dates going. My point about abundance applies directly: when you know you can meet other women, you can ask clearly and take a no without falling apart.

After the conversation, you have two honest paths.

• Stay on her terms, knowing it is casual, and treat it that way. That means dating other people, with no expectations of exclusivity.
• Leave. Say so kindly: "I want something exclusive, and it sounds like you do not. I would rather step back than keep hoping."

Put a date on the decision. If a month passes and the answer is the same dodge, you have your answer.