Why Am I in a Situationship?

Most men are in a situationship because nobody asked what it was. You liked her, the dates were good, and naming it felt risky, so you let it stay vague. She was fine with vague, so it stayed. Add a fear that you might not find someone else, and a casual arrangement keeps going long after you wanted more. The good news is that every one of these reasons is something you can change.

The simplest cause is silence. Neither of you said what you wanted, so the default won: no label, no rules, see each other when it suits.

Many men avoid the question because they are afraid of the answer. "If I ask, she might say no, and then I lose this." So they enjoy the vague version and call it patience.

But silence is a decision. By not asking, you chose the arrangement she was happy to keep.

Sometimes you are in one because you really want her, and a situationship is the version she was willing to give. You took half of what you wanted so as not to lose all of it.

My teaching is blunt here. When a man treats one woman as special and rare, she senses that he does not have many other options, and it lowers her view of him. He says the very act of wanting a particular girl too much works against you. The cure is not to want her less. It is to build a life where she is a good thing in it, not the main thing.

A lot of situationships run on scarcity. If you think this is the best you can find, you accept whatever terms she sets.

coach calls the opposite idea abundance: no single woman decides whether you succeed with women. A man who has met other women, and who knows he can meet more, is not afraid to ask for exclusivity or to leave when he does not get it. A man who does not will put up with almost anything.

You build abundance with action, not with thoughts. Approach women, go on other dates, keep a pipeline. When you do, the situationship stops feeling like your only shot.

Be honest. Situationships are easy. You get company, affection and often sex, without planning dates, meeting friends or having hard talks.

If a part of you enjoys that, you are not a victim of the arrangement. You are a partner in it. That matters because it changes what you do next. You cannot fix a deal you secretly like.

Ask yourself: if she offered a full relationship tomorrow, would I be thrilled, or would a small part of me flinch? If you flinch, the problem may be what you want, not what she gives.

This one is harder to say. Some women keep a situationship going because they like you but do not see you as a boyfriend, or because they are not ready, or because they are seeing others.

You cannot force that to change, and you cannot argue her into feeling more. What you can do is ask, listen and act on what you hear. Many men skip the listening part.

Pick one of two paths and do it on purpose.

Define it. Choose a calm time, and say what you want in a sentence: "I want to be exclusive. Do you?" Take her answer at face value. coach describes a relationship as a story and a contract, and a situationship is a story with no contract. This conversation is how you write one.

Leave it. If she does not want what you want, step back. Keep it short and kind, mute her, and fill the time with real plans. It will feel bad for a week or two, then better.

Ask what you are doing by the third or fourth date. You do not need an interrogation, only a plain "what are you looking for?" and an honest answer of your own. Date more than one woman until someone is exclusive with you. And keep your own life full enough that you are choosing her, not clinging to her.

Most men who ask "why am I in a situationship" are really asking whether they are allowed to want more. You are. The only step left is to say it.