What Should You Say on a Tinder Double Date?

Talk to the whole table, and keep it light. On a double date you are not trying to win one woman in private. You are trying to be the easiest, funniest man at a table of four, so that the woman you like sees you being good company before you ever get a minute alone with her.

Nerves peak in the first few minutes, and with four people there is more room for an awkward silence.

Arrive a little early, and say hello to each person by name. Open with something about the place or the evening: the drink menu, how long it took to find a seat, a strange thing on the wall. It is easy for four people to answer, and nobody feels examined.

Ask your friend and the other pair a simple group question, like how they know each other or where they have been recently. Then listen. You are letting the conversation warm up before you try to be clever.

The common mistake is to talk only to the woman you matched with, or only to the man you came with. It makes the other two feel like extras.

Aim to speak to all four people in the first half hour. If one woman asks a question, answer it to the table, and not just to her. When a story starts, look at everyone in it. People remember the man who made them feel part of the night.

At the same time, do not ignore the woman you like. Give her a little extra eye contact and a smile when something is funny. That is enough at this stage.

Pick topics that anyone can add to.

• Stories about the other pair. Ask how they met, and how their friendship started. It gives them a reason to talk, and it shows you are interested.
• Small funny stories about yourself. A short one, where you are the one who looked silly, is better than a story about how well things went.
• Plans and places. The best thing you ate recently, a trip you want to take, a place nearby that people should try.
• Light questions. Ask one question that makes people think for a moment and then laugh, like the worst job they have had or the first thing they would do with a free weekend.

a dating coach gives a related rule for dates: stay out of interview mode. Never stack three plain questions in a row. Answer what someone said, add something of yours, then ask or tease. That works even better in a group.

Light teasing is how people at a table show they are comfortable. A little fun at your friend's expense, with his okay, is usually good. A small joke about yourself is better still.

Keep it kind. Teasing the other pair when you have only just met them is a risk, so aim your jokes at yourself or at the situation. If a joke falls flat, laugh at that too and move on.

A double date works best as a team. Say one good thing about your friend, in a natural way, that lets the women see him: a funny story about something he did, or a skill he has. Let him do the same for you.

Do not drag the evening into a contest. If you and your friend start competing for the same woman, or talking over each other, the night turns tense, and the two women notice.

Skip heavy topics early: exes, money, politics, and long complaints about work. Do not talk about the app itself in a way that sounds cynical. A line like "so how many matches do you get?" makes the evening feel like a market.

Do not drink more than the others, and do not be the one who is on his phone. Do not get possessive about the woman you like. If a different pairing seems to be working better, let it be.

At some point during the night you will probably have a minute with the woman you like, at the bar or while the others are talking. Use it for one real exchange. Say that you are glad you came, and ask her something about herself that you were curious about earlier.

You do not need to be dramatic. Short and warm works.

Send a message to her the same night or the next day. Say what you liked, and suggest meeting again, just the two of you, with a day and a time. If you matched as a pair, it is fine to message her on her own after the evening, as long as it is respectful and you have not left your friend out.

Keep it short, and make the plan easy to say yes to.

Talk to the whole table, tease lightly, ask easy questions, and let your friend help. Be good company for everyone, and the woman you like will have seen it before you ask for a second date.