What Does the Third Date Mean?

The third date means the two of you have decided you like each other enough to keep going, and by now she expects it to be heading somewhere. It is not a deadline and not a debt. Nobody owes anybody anything on a third date, and it does not decide whether you become a couple. What it does mean is that the first-date politeness is over, and she is waiting to see whether you will lead.

You will hear that the third date is when things are supposed to get physical. That is a rough habit of thought, not a law. Some couples kiss on the first date, some wait for the fifth, and some never rush. My own view is that it does not matter how fast or slow it goes as long as it is getting better, with the tension, the vibe and the connection all improving. He has gone home with a woman on a first date and has had a second or third date where it happened later.

So drop the idea of a number. Look at where the two of you are, not at what date it is.

By the third date, a woman who is still showing up has already made a decision. She had two chances to drop out and did not.

She is now asking different questions from the ones on date one. Does he make me feel good? Does he know what he wants? Is he going to make a move, or is he going to keep chatting politely until I lose interest? A woman who likes you and sees no sign you are interested will often assume you are not.

Men often arrive at date three with one of two problems.

The first is rushing: treating it as the date when the payoff is owed. That turns a good evening into pressure, and she feels it.

The second is waiting too long. coach describes his early dating years as going on date after date, being witty and charming, and never kissing the girl. Some of them got to a second or third date, but then they got bored or decided he was clueless, and they lost interest. His conclusion is that you are usually the one who has to make the move. Women have a lot of social pressure not to appear forward, so they often wait for you.

Make your interest clear and let her answer. That is the whole thing.

Plan something with a little privacy. A date with some atmosphere and a place where you can sit close is better than a crowded cafe. coach says bars are popular for a reason: the vibe and the setting help a connection grow. A quiet restaurant or a walk and a drink works as well.

Say what you feel. "I'm having a great time with you" is clear and sweet. It tells her where you stand and takes pressure off her to guess.

Move physically, gently. Sit beside her, touch her hand, then see what she does. If she leans in, you can go a step further. If she pulls back or goes still, stop and be easy about it. Her yes should be obvious, never assumed.

Do not rush the night. If a kiss happens and it is good, that is plenty. If she wants to go on, she will make that clear, and so will you. If she does not, an easy good night is a good result.

• It does not mean she owes you sex.
• It does not mean you are a couple.
• It does not mean something is wrong if nothing physical has happened. Some women need more time, and some are shy.
• It does not mean you should ask "what are we?" in the middle of dinner.

Say so lightly after a few dates, once you know you like her. "I like where this is going" is plenty. Let her answer in her own time, and watch how she acts. A woman who is also keen will plan the next date, text you first and make time for you.

You can end it kindly after any date, including the third. A short, honest text is enough: "I've enjoyed meeting you, but I don't think we're a match. I wish you well." That treats her with respect and saves you both weeks of fading.

The third date is a checkpoint, not a test. Be warm, be clear, lead gently, and pay attention to her answers.