Is Getting Drinks a Date?

Drinks with one other person, in the evening, after one of you asked the other out, is usually a date. It is not a sure thing. Plenty of women say "let's get a drink" to mean a catch-up, and plenty of men say it to mean a date. The way to be sure is to read the signs while it happens and to make your own intent clear through how you act, not through a heavy announcement.

A drink is the cheapest, most flexible plan there is. It can be a first date, a work chat, a friend catching up, or a quick stop before something else. That flexibility is why men ask for it, and it is exactly why it gets misread.

coach prefers drinks to coffee for a first date, because the room is usually dimmer and more romantic, with no children running around. That is a fair reason to choose it. It is not a promise that the other person reads it the same way.

Look at how it was set up and how the night goes.

• It is just the two of you. A group invite is a hangout.
• It was a direct invitation with a day and a time, not "we should get a drink sometime."
• It is an evening, not a lunch break.
• She dressed with some care, arrived on time and put her phone away.
• She laughs at your teasing, holds eye contact and touches your arm, or leans toward you when you speak.
• She asks about your life beyond small talk, and about whether you are seeing anyone.

Three or four of these together point to a date. One alone means little.

• She brings a friend or invites others.
• She suggests a time that is clearly cramped, like an hour before another commitment.
• She keeps the talk to work and mutual friends.
• She mentions a boyfriend or talks about someone she is seeing, without any hesitation.
• There is no flirting from her side at all, however much you add.

None of these means you did anything wrong. It means the plan was a hangout, and you can enjoy the evening for what it is.

You do not have to say the word "date." The word makes everything formal, so she may feel she is being judged and may have to let you down afterward. Simple wording works better, such as "we should get drinks Thursday," with your intent carried by your tone and manner.

That works when your manner is clear. Say it warmly, look at her when you say it, and name a day: "I would like to take you for a drink Thursday. Seven?" The phrase "I would like to take you" tells her this is not a group plan without making a speech.

At the bar, act like it is one. Sit beside her or across the corner, not far apart. Tell her something you like about her. Flirt a little. coach says a woman who comes to meet you expects some of that. A night of purely platonic talk makes you look like a man with no nerve.

Ask a friendly, easy question that clears it up: "Is this a hang or a date?" Many people find it a relief to be asked, because they were wondering too. If it is a date and you want it to be, you can say so: "Good, I was hoping it was."

If you are not sure you want it to be a date, you can say that too: "I'm happy to get a drink. I'm not sure what I want yet, and I'd like to find out." That is honest, and it keeps both of you from being surprised.

You can clear the air with a light line: "I was not sure whether this was a date. I'm hoping it is." It will be awkward for about four seconds, and then it will be over. The answer you get is better than spending a month guessing.

If she says it is a hangout, say "Fair enough. I had a good time," finish your drink and mean it. If she says she was hoping, take her hand, and let the night go from there.