Should You Date a Woman Who Drinks and Smokes Weed?

It depends on how heavy it is, and you are allowed to say no. On one of our live calls, a student who does not drink or smoke asked whether it is reasonable to date only girls who do not. Our coach's answer was that any standard is reasonable, but a tight one shrinks your pool. And the label hides a huge range: some girls have a drink at a wedding, and some party every weekend. Those are different women, and they raise different questions for a long-term relationship.

Whatever you want, you can want. If you are truly turned off by girls who drink and smoke, filtering them out is worth it, and you should not apologize for it. The coach's only warning was to know what you are trading: you will have fewer girls to choose from, and some of the ones you remove would have been a good fit.

If you are not truly turned off, and you are mostly reacting to the idea, then the next section is the one to read.

Our coaches break it down by how much a habit runs her life.

• On smoking, there is a girl who gets through a day on a lot of cigarettes, and there is a girl who has one or two a year with a friend. The second one is not addicted and can stop whenever she likes. That is a big difference.
• On drinking, one girl cannot get through a day without a drink. Another goes out partying every weekend. Another has a drink or two at a wedding and nothing else.

The coach's point was that you have to decide where your own threshold sits. The same questions apply to weed: is it an occasional thing, or a regular part of her ordinary week? The label in her bio does not tell you which.

Another student asked how to tell girls up front that he does not date anyone who drinks and smokes. The coach advised against screening at the top of his page. A girl who lists drinking may drink once a year at a wedding, and some girls who drink would give it up for a man they loved. Hard filters at the top remove those girls before you have met them.

The coach's rule is that it is better to leave in some girls you do not want and filter them later than to filter out too many of the girls you do. Keep the net wide at the start and tighten it as you learn more.

A coach reviewing a different question said the same thing about screening by text. A long list of screening questions tends to put off the normal girls first. The better test is a phone call, or a first meeting in a place that costs you almost nothing.

Your first-date invite already says something. Asking a girl to a bar tells her you are fine with her drinking. If you want a girl who never drinks, a bar is the wrong invitation and you need a different plan. If a social drinker suits you, a drink on the first date is completely fine.

Our coaches also call drink dates an easy go-to that converts well, which is the other side of the trade. If you stop using them, you give up a reliable format, so be sure you mean it.

The main way you will show her your standards is not a sentence. It is the topics you bring up, the stories you tell, and the vibe she picks up from you over time. If there is a reason you do not drink, such as your religion or being an athlete, you can mention it naturally. A real reason makes the standard sound reasonable. Say it in person or on a call more than in writing.

The same student told us he was fine getting involved with girls who drink and smoke, but did not want to date one. The coach's answer was practical. If you are comfortable with her in that way, you may as well meet her, then decide afterward whether she fits for the long run. If she does, good. If she does not, you did not lose anything by finding out.

That is also a better way to find a partner than closing the door at the top and never seeing who was behind it.

Ask yourself three things:

1. Is this a small part of her life or a regular part of every week?
2. Does it change where I would take her and what we could do together?
3. Am I reacting to her habits, or only to a word?

If the honest answer to the first two is "heavy" and "yes", you have your standard. If it is "light" and "no", the word was not the real issue, and a coffee or a drink will tell you more than any rule you set ahead of time.