Is Being on Dating Apps Desperate?

No. Being on dating apps is ordinary now, and a woman who sees you there thinks nothing of it, because she is on them too. What looks desperate is not the app. It is how a man behaves on it: liking everyone, messaging too much, and chasing a woman who has gone quiet.

Online dating used to carry a real stigma. a dating coach, who has been doing it for over twenty years, says it was embarrassing at first. In the early days, the people who used it were often people who were not having success meeting anyone in real life, and some of them were a little desperate. That reputation stuck around long after the people changed.

Then more people started to use it, and the crowd widened. a dating coach says people began to use it as their main way to meet men or women, and that almost everyone is on it now. A stigma attached to a few early users does not describe a crowd that large.

She sees a man on the same app she is on. That is all. She does not know how long you have been on it, how many other women you have written to or whether you have had a good week.

Being there is the normal condition. A woman who would think less of you for it is, in all likelihood, a woman who would also think less of herself for being there.

A few behaviors do, and each of them shows up in a man's actions, not in his membership.

Liking every woman you see is one. It signals that you have no standards, and it makes the app show your page to worse matches over time. a dating coach's view on super likes is related. He says that sending them to women can make a man look supplicating. You begin the conversation by putting her on a pedestal, and she may bring more attitude to it.

Heavy messaging is another. A second text sent because the first one made you nervous, followed by a third, looks needy. A row of question marks after a day of silence looks worse.

A page that apologizes, complains about the apps or says you are fed up with being single gives the same impression. a dating coach's rule of thumb is to avoid anything that makes you look unsuccessful or desperate with women.

Writing to a woman you like. Asking her out within a few messages. Sending one follow-up to a plan that has gone quiet. Wanting a relationship and saying so in plain words.

a dating coach's reasoning on double texting is that it depends on how you do it. A second message that carries the conversation forward is fine. One sent because you panicked is not. The difference is whether you are acting from interest or from fear.

The cure is options. A man with several live conversations does not need any one of them to work, and that comes through in how he writes. He answers at a normal pace, makes a plan, lets a quiet chat stay quiet and moves on.

Choose carefully, too. Like the women you would honestly like to meet, and write a short specific line to each. Fewer, better likes show standards and get better results.

Build a life that does not run on the apps. People you see in person, a hobby with other people in it and plans on the weekend all mean your attention is not stuck on one phone.

If a friend teases you for being on the apps, you do not need to defend it. Tell the truth in a sentence: it is where a lot of people meet now, and you are using it the way you would use any other place. A man who is relaxed about it makes the teasing stop.

If you ever feel desperate on the apps, treat that as a signal to slow down. Take a few days off, work on your photos or your first lines, and start again with a clearer plan. A coach can look at your page and your chats and tell you whether anything you do is giving the wrong impression.