How to Win a Woman Who is Dating Someone Else

It depends on what "dating someone else" means. Some women are simply seeing other men and have not committed to any of them. That is normal in the early weeks of online dating. You win her by being the man who is easiest and most enjoyable to see. A woman who is exclusive with someone is a different case: leave it alone and spend your time on the matches who are available. Both cases have a clear plan, and neither involves attacking the other man.

The words cover two very different cases.

She is dating around. She has matched with several men, goes on a few dates a week and has not decided on anyone. Nobody has a claim on her, and you are one of the options. Your job is to be a good one.

She is in a relationship. She has a boyfriend, or she and one man have agreed to be exclusive. She has made a choice, and wanting her means asking her to break it.

You can often tell from how she talks. A woman who says "I'm seeing a couple of people" is in the first case. A woman who says "I have a boyfriend" is in the second, and you should take her at her word.

Competing is fair here. Treat it the way you would treat any good conversation, with a few specific habits.

Be easy to meet. Reply warmly and reasonably quickly, and propose a clear plan: "Thursday evening, drinks near you?" The man who offers a simple, specific date usually beats the man who keeps chatting.

Make the date good. Choose a place with a little energy, such as a bar with a nice atmosphere or a market walk, not a loud club or a long dinner. Be curious about her and tell one or two good stories of your own. She should leave thinking she had an enjoyable time.

Do not ask about the other men. "Who else are you seeing?" puts you in a defensive posture and makes you sound nervous. If she brings it up, answer lightly: "Good, I hope they're treating you well. I'd like to see you again too."

Do not compare yourself to them. Never say anything about other men, good or bad. The less time you spend on them, the more confident you seem.

Keep dating other women yourself. It keeps your standards in place and stops you from putting all your hope on one person. She is more drawn to a man who is clearly busy than to one who is waiting for her.

When a woman is deciding among a few men, she tends to pick the one who made her feel good, who was consistent and who made it easy to keep going.

After a good date, say what you want in plain terms. "I had a great time. I'd like to see you again on Saturday." Be direct and relaxed. If she says yes, you are ahead of the man who sent a vague message.

Let the relationship deepen at her pace. Pressure to be exclusive after two dates tends to drive her toward the man who asks for less. When she is ready, she will tell you or ask you. You can bring it up lightly after several good dates: "I'm enjoying this. I'm not seeing anyone else at the moment." That gives her the choice without putting her on the spot.

Here the honest answer is different. In most cases, you should not pursue her. Available women are a better use of your time, and a woman who is attached has already made her choice.

If she tells you she has a boyfriend, accept it. Be friendly and keep it short. Do not suggest that her boyfriend is not good for her, and do not wait around hoping the relationship ends.

The only cases worth leaving the door open are those where she tells you herself that the relationship is over. In that case, treat her as someone who has just become single, which means giving her time and not pushing.

Sneaking around, texting in secret or trying to turn her against him will cost you more than it gets you. It also tends to make you look like a man who cannot win honestly.

• Acting as if the other man is a rival you must defeat.
• Asking her to choose too soon.
• Sending long messages explaining why you are better.
• Getting jealous when she mentions another date.
• Letting her other dates change your behavior.

Each of these signals insecurity, and insecurity is the one thing that makes a woman pick someone else.

The best protection against all of this is volume. When you are talking to several women, no single one matters too much, and you act with more ease.

Keep matching and keep messaging. Go on the dates you are offered. A man with a few options is calmer, and calm is more attractive than any line.

If she is the one you want, your best chance is to be a relaxed, interesting man she looks forward to seeing. If she is committed to someone else, the best use of your time is to find a woman who is free and happy to meet you.