How to Know If Your Approach Is Making Her Uncomfortable

Watch what her body and her answers do in the first thirty seconds. If her replies get shorter, her body turns away, her eyes look past you for something else, or she steps back, she is uncomfortable and you should wrap up kindly and leave. If she asks questions, faces you, and her face and voice get warmer as you talk, she is fine. You are not trying to read her mind. You are checking whether the conversation is going both ways.

A man who checks this and exits well is never a problem. The trouble starts when a man sees the signs and keeps going.

Look for several of these at once. One alone proves little.

• Short answers. "Mm-hm." "Yeah." "I'm fine." She stops adding anything of her own.
• No questions back. A woman who is enjoying a talk usually asks you something. Silence on her side means she is waiting for it to end.
• Her body turns away. Her feet or shoulders point to the door, her friend or her phone instead of at you.
• She creates space. She steps back, crosses her arms tightly, or puts a bag or a hand between you.
• Her eyes search. She looks around the room, at the exit, at a friend, at her phone, again and again.
• A flat smile. It is polite and only on the mouth. Her eyes and voice do not change.
• Direct words. "I'm meeting someone," "I have a boyfriend," "I have to go." Take every one at face value.

When you see two or three, you are done. The next sentence is your exit.

Compare it with the opposite picture.

• She turns toward you and stays there.
• She asks you questions, or adds a story of her own.
• Her face moves: she laughs, raises her eyebrows, teases back.
• She lingers when she could have left.
• She stays close, or leans in a little as the conversation goes on.

These are the green lights. They still do not mean she wants to go home with you or give her number. They mean the conversation is welcome.

Most men are not careless. They are nervous, and nerves change what you see.

When your heart is pounding, you watch your own performance: what to say next, whether you sound okay. You stop looking at her. Then the signs go by.

A second reason is hope. You want it to go well, so a short answer looks like shyness and a turned shoulder looks like nothing. This is the same trap as ignoring your gut about her interest, which we cover in Quit Ignoring Your Gut Read on Her Interest. If her behavior and your hopes disagree, believe her behavior.

Do not defend yourself and do not ask "is everything okay?" That puts her on the spot. Close the conversation yourself, quickly and warmly.

• "Anyway, I'll let you get back to it. Nice meeting you."
• "I can tell I caught you at a bad time. Have a good one."
• "Take care."

Then actually go. Walk away at a normal pace. Do not stand nearby, look back, or circle around for another try. A man who leaves cleanly when she is uncomfortable is a man she remembers as respectful, and that is worth more than one more minute of conversation.

Looking at the cases men describe, the same few causes come up.

• Standing too close, too fast. Start at a normal distance, about an arm's length or more, and move closer only if she does.
• Blocking her way. Never stand between her and where she is heading. Approach from the side, leave her room to move.
• Ignoring a first no. Everything after a clear no is pressure.
• Touching early. Skip it until she touches you first and the mood is clearly warm.
• Comments on her body. Compliment a choice she made, such as her jacket or her book, not her body.
• Staying too long. If she has not added anything for a few exchanges, the conversation is over.

None of this requires you to be timid. You can be direct and friendly and still make it easy for her to say no.

You cannot learn this from an article, because the signs are quick and live. You learn it by approaching many women and watching their responses with a calm head.

At a Cold Approach Bootcamp in Miami or New York, a coach stands near you for every approach and gives feedback after each set. That includes the part men cannot see themselves: whether you stood too close, ran too long, or missed a turn away. Every training day has two four-hour blocks in the field, and rejection and follow-through is one of the four parts taught. There is no skill floor and no experience required. Group is three days at 3 students to a coach, and Private is one, two or three days one-on-one.

If the worry about bothering women is what stops you from approaching at all, that worry is worth acting on in a safe way: a coach, and a rule that you always leave when you see the signs.

Short answers, no questions back, a turned body, space between you and eyes looking elsewhere mean she is uncomfortable. End the talk warmly and leave. Warmth on her side means keep talking, calmly.