How to Define What You Actually Want Before Handing Off Your Dating Apps

If you are too busy to run your dating apps yourself, the best thing you can give a team is a plain written brief. It says how old she is, where she lives, how she spends her week, and which two or three qualities you will not trade away. The sharper that brief is, the closer the women you meet will be to the one you would have picked yourself.

Most men begin with a feeling. They want someone fun, attractive and easy to be around. That is a fine feeling, but nobody can search for it.

Begin with the parts that can be written down as facts. Her age range, the area she lives in, whether she has kids, whether she works, and what she does with a free Saturday. These are boring to write and very easy to act on. Once they are on paper, the qualities you care about have something to sit on.

Pick two numbers, a youngest and an oldest, and write them down. Do not leave this as "around my age," because that phrase means a five year window to one man and a fifteen year window to another.

Then ask what sits behind the range. Maybe you want a woman who has her career settled. Maybe you want kids in the next few years and the timing matters. Maybe you simply find women your own age easier to talk to. The reason matters because it tells the team what to do with a woman who is one year outside your range but fits everything else.

Location is more than a city name. Write down how far you will actually drive for a first date, and whether you are open to a woman in the next town over.

Be honest about your calendar too. If you travel every other week or work late three nights out of five, say so. A team that knows your free evenings can book dates you will attend. A team that does not will book dates you cancel, and cancelled dates cost you time and goodwill with the woman on the other end.

This is the section men skip, and it is the one that decides whether a second date happens.

Think about the weeks you actually live. Do you train at five in the morning? Do you eat out four nights a week or cook at home? Do you want a woman who travels, or one who is happy being around when you are? Does she need to like dogs, drink, or go to church? Write the answer as a description of an ordinary Tuesday. A woman whose Tuesday fits yours is worth more than one who looks good on paper and clashes with your schedule.

Now the part everyone wants to start with. Keep it short.

Choose two or three qualities you will not trade away, and say why each one matters to you. Good examples are ambition, warmth, a sense of humor, or a similar view on family. Weak examples are things everyone wants, like being kind or being attractive. Those do not help anyone narrow a search.

Then add a short list of things that put you off. Write what you honestly react to, not what sounds mature. If a woman who talks mostly about her ex bothers you, that goes on the list. If you have a physical type, say it plainly. A team cannot act on a preference you are too polite to mention, and being honest here is not shallow. It is just information.

A team running your apps can only act on what you tell them. If the brief says "nice, attractive, ambitious," they will go after a very wide group of women. Many will be fine and none will be right.

The other side of this is that you cannot judge the work either. When a woman is proposed, you have nothing to hold her up against, so you say "maybe" and the search drifts. A vague brief gives you vague matches and no way to explain why they feel off.

A managed service uses your stated preferences to decide who gets pursued. It also has you review each proposed woman before a date is arranged. That review only works well when you know what you are checking for. The team can be excellent and still land in the wrong place if the target was never clear.

Read your brief out loud to a friend who knows you and ask one question: could you pick out the right woman from a lineup of ten using only this page? If he says no, the brief is still too soft.

Then try one more check. Imagine the team sends you three women this week. For each one, could you say yes or no in under a minute and give one reason? If you can, the brief is working. If you find yourself saying "I'm not sure, something is missing," go back and write down what that something is. It usually turns out to be a lifestyle detail or a quality you forgot to name.

Plan to revise it after the first few women arrive. Your reactions to real people will teach you more than any list, and a good brief gets sharper as you answer honestly each time.