How Often Should You Talk in a Long Distance Relationship?

There is no correct number, but a good starting point is light contact most days and two to four real calls a week. The right amount is the one you can both keep up without resentment, and the way to find it is to say it out loud instead of guessing. Too little and she feels forgotten. Too much and the relationship becomes a job you check in on all day. If you are worried about smothering her or going cold, the answer is the same: agree on a rhythm, then keep it.

Try this for two weeks, then change what does not suit you.

• Daily: a few light texts. A photo of your lunch, a joke, a line about something that happened. Not a long conversation.
• Three nights a week: a proper call or video chat of forty-five minutes or more, at times you both pick ahead.
• One day a week: a shared activity, like a film, a game or a meal on camera.
• Always: the next visit on the calendar.

If one of you has a heavy work week, say so, and drop to the daily texts. Telling her "I'll be buried until Thursday" is better than disappearing and letting her fill the silence.

coach makes a point about how any relationship is set up. If you wanted to see a girl a few times a week and made it every day at the start, you built the expectation yourself. You cannot blame her for holding you to it. In a long distance relationship the same thing happens with contact. If you text her every hour in the first month, she will expect it in the third.

So have one plain conversation. "What feels like the right amount of talking to you? I'm happy with a check-in each day and a few real calls." Then listen. One of you will probably want more than the other, and that is fine. You can meet in the middle: she gets a text each morning, and you get a call without being asked to text through the day.

Texts are for staying in touch and small jokes. Calls are for the relationship itself. If all you do is text, you are friends who send each other updates. If all you do is call, you can run out of things to say quickly.

Mix them. A few texts keep the feeling that she is part of your day. Voice or video makes you hear her tone, which a text cannot do. If a disagreement starts over text, move it to a call quickly, because tone gets lost on a screen.

Men often search for what to talk about because the calls have gone flat. The cause is usually that each of you is reporting your day. Try something different.

• Ask what she is looking forward to this week, and call back later to ask how it went.
• Tell one story that has a point of view, not "work was busy."
• Ask for her opinion on a decision you are making, such as a trip or a purchase.
• Plan something specific for your next visit, down to the restaurant.
• Share one thing you are reading or watching and ask what she thinks.
• Do something together on the call. Cook, play a game, or walk around while you talk.

Silence on a call is not a failure. Sometimes you are both just eating dinner with the screen on, and that is a very good sign.

If you are many hours apart, fix the times that overlap and treat them as protected, like an appointment. Do not demand a reply when she is asleep or at work. If one of you works nights, the call may need to happen at a strange hour, and the one with more flexibility should do more of the adjusting.

You are probably too much if she answers shorter and shorter, if she sighs when the phone rings, or if you feel anxious when she is out. My point is that you need a life outside her. Fill your own week, and let there be hours when neither of you checks the phone.

You are probably too little if she is the one starting almost every call or has stopped telling you small things. The same goes if she says she misses you and you answer with a joke. Go back to a few warm texts a day and make a call date. Cold is easy to fix by showing up.

Check in every month or two. "Is our rhythm still working for you?" takes thirty seconds and prevents the quiet resentment that ends many long distance relationships. A rhythm is not a rule. It is just a way of making sure both of you feel close without feeling watched.