How Do You Respond to a First Message in Online Dating?

Answer what she actually wrote, add one small thing about yourself, and ask one easy question. That is the whole reply, and it fits in two lines. She picked you out of a long list and took the trouble to write, so the job now is to make the second message easier than the first.

First messages come in a handful of shapes, and each one wants a slightly different answer. Reading which one you have is most of the work.

If she wrote a single word, treat it as an invitation. Take one real detail from her page, say something about it, and ask her a small question. Do not send the word back.

Everything below is for when she gave you more than a word.

Answer it in a line, not a paragraph. A woman who asks "what do you do for work?" does not want your résumé. She wants a flash of what your week is like.

She: What do you do when you are not on here? You: Mostly I drag friends to restaurants I have already researched. What about you?

The answer is short, it has a picture in it, and it hands the question back. Do not answer a question about yourself with a question and nothing else, because that reads as a man avoiding being known.

Thank her lightly and keep your footing. a dating coach says it helps to acknowledge that she chose you, since it puts the contact in the frame that she picked a man she liked.

Then do not melt. A reply that is only gratitude gives her nothing to answer, and one that is a stack of compliments back sounds like you are trying to win her approval.

She: You have a really nice smile. You: Thank you. It is mostly from taking things less seriously than I should. What got you to say something?

Often a woman likes a photo or one of your answers and says a line about it. Because you wrote that answer, the same one tends to get picked again and again. a dating coach's advice is to prepare a good reply for each of your own prompts and reuse it when the next woman picks the same one.

That is not lazy. Once a reply has worked a few times you know it works, and you can spend your effort on the next step. Keep the reply personal by using her name and one word from what she said.

Tease back, gently, and do not defend yourself. A woman who teases you is showing interest. If you answer with a long justification, you turn a joke into an argument.

a dating coach suggests a two-part reply here. First deal with the tease in a sentence, ideally laughing at yourself. Then give her something new and positive to respond to, so she is answering a fresh question and not defending the old one.

She: Sounds like you have rehearsed that. You: Guilty. Three takes in the car. Now tell me the strangest thing you have eaten on a dare.

• It is about her words, so she knows you read them.
• It adds one real detail about you, so she has something to hold.
• It ends in one small question she can answer in a sentence.
• It stays short. Two to four lines is plenty.
• It sounds like you at the pace of an ordinary conversation, not a pitch.

a dating coach also says to be a little irreverent. If she shares something in common with you, say so, but add a playful twist instead of gushing. Telling a woman who runs her own business that you have never had a boss and are bad at taking orders lands better than "wow, we are so alike."

And leave these out:

• A bare "hey" or "thanks for messaging me."
• A long essay about your life.
• Quizzing her with three questions in one text.
• Answering her question with a paragraph of justifications.
• Asking for her number in the second line.

The reply is the start of a short chat. After two or three exchanges, mention meeting casually, and a few messages later offer a specific place and time. a dating coach's advice is to keep the whole thing brief enough that the date is still the interesting part. A woman who wrote first is warm right now, so spend that warmth on a plan and not on days of small talk.