How Do You Pick Up a Bartender?

Wait for a slow moment, order cleanly, and be friendly without hovering. Show her real interest once, in one sentence, and then give her room to work. If the conversation goes well, ask her out for coffee or a drink on a day she is not behind the bar. Do not try to win her over from your stool while ten other men wave for a drink.

A bartender is one of the hardest women to approach where she works, because the setup is stacked against you. The better path is a short, respectful approach at the bar, or a normal approach somewhere she is off the clock.

a dating coach has explained why bartenders seem so attractive. At a crowded bar, one person is serving six or seven people who are all trying to get his or her attention. The bartender moves slowly and picks who to serve. Everyone appreciates the bartender, pays and thanks him or her. A watching woman sees a person that everyone seeks and that ignores most of them. It looks like high value, even though the bartender is only doing a job.

Now turn it around. You stand at that bar and try to get a woman's attention. You are one of the six or seven. She is busy, she is being asked for things all night, and she has heard every line. Even if you are charming, you are competing against a crowd, and the setting makes you look like one of them.

The best time to talk to a bartender is when the bar is quiet: early in the evening, midweek, or between rushes. Sit where she can talk to you without leaning over three other people. Order something specific, say thanks, and let her do her job. Your goal for the first order is simply to be pleasant and easy.

If the bar fills up, stop. Do not stand there trying to have a conversation with someone who is working. A man who understands her situation looks calm and considerate, which is more attractive than a man who needs her attention.

When the moment comes, say one thing that is true and personal. "I have been here three times and you make the best drink on the menu. What is your name?" Then listen. If she smiles, answers and asks you something back, you have a window. If she answers politely and moves on, accept that and enjoy your drink.

Do not stack compliments. Do not ask personal questions about her body or where she lives. Do not ask for her number while she has a line of customers. A short, warm line, then a break, tells her you are interested without putting her in a corner.

If she is receptive, make a time-bound, easy request. "I would like to take you for a coffee sometime. When are you off?" Offer your number or take hers if she hands it to you. Do it quickly, and do not make her stand around while she is trying to serve others.

If she says no or smiles and deflects, tip well, say thank you and leave it alone. You can still go back as a regular customer, but do not push. Her job is her income, and she has every reason to want a customer who does not make it awkward.

There is another route that skips the problem altogether. Women who work nights and look unreachable in the club are ordinary women at noon. A bartender on her day off is walking to a cafe, going to a gym or sitting in a park. In those places she is not surrounded by men trying to buy her attention, and you can talk to her the way you would approach any woman in daylight.

You will rarely know where she lives or when she is off, so this is more about the principle than a plan. Approach the women you like in the places where fewer men do it. Daytime streets, cafes and bookstores are quiet compared with the bar scene.

Some men think they can win a bartender by tipping heavily or buying shots. It does not work well. She sees large tips every night, and a man who pays for attention looks like every other man who tries. Tip normally, treat her with respect and let the way you talk do the work.

Approaching in nightlife is a skill with its own timing and rules, and the best way to learn it is with someone watching. On a Cold Approach Bootcamp in Miami or New York, each training day has two four-hour blocks in the field, with night game and daygame mixed to suit the student. A coach gives live coaching on every approach and feedback after every set. Group is three consecutive days at three students per coach, and Private is 1-on-1 for one, two or three days. There is no skill floor, and every student leaves with a written practice plan.