How Do You Get Out of Your Comfort Zone With Women?

You get out of your comfort zone with women by doing approaches that are only slightly harder than the last one you did, starting well below the one that scares you. Ask a woman for directions. Hold eye contact for a second longer. Say hello to a woman at a coffee shop and walk away. Each small step teaches your body that nothing bad happened, and the next step stops feeling so large.

Reading more and waiting until you feel ready does not do it. The comfort comes from the approaches, so the approaches have to come first.

Your comfort zone is made of things you have done before. Talking to a woman you have never met is outside it, so your body sounds an alarm: dry mouth, fast heart, a voice in your head that says "not now." Following that voice feels good for about thirty seconds, because the fear drops. Then the next day it is back at the same size, and sometimes bigger.

a dating coach says a small amount of approach anxiety is completely natural, and that most men are not afraid of approaching in general. They are afraid of certain parts of it: the walk over, the first sentence, the reaction. Once you know which part scares you, the problem gets much smaller.

The method a dating coach describes is progressive desensitization, which is how people get over many phobias. You get used to the thing in slightly larger doses.

Here is what that looks like with women. At the lowest step, walk around town and make eye contact with women and hold it. Next, ask a stranger for directions, and include women you are not even attracted to. Then ask for directions and thank her. Then add your name. Then give a compliment and walk on. Then a compliment, your name and twenty seconds of conversation. At the top, compliment, name, conversation and a request for her number.

Start at the bottom of the ladder every time you go out, even if only the top steps make you nervous. By the time you reach the scary step you have already done four easier ones, and it is only a small jump.

The next trick is what a dating coach calls an alternate premise: a reason to speak that is not "I find you attractive." Asking a woman in line at a cafe which drink she would pick. Asking which of two jackets looks better. Commenting that the line is longer than usual.

Hiding your interest at the start is fine. You can show it a few sentences later, once the conversation is moving and you are calmer. a dating coach used this kind of approach himself when he started, asking women at a mall which cologne they liked.

There is an opposite method: walk straight up and do the big scary approach first. For some men it works faster, because a good result on the first try changes how they think about the whole thing in one afternoon. Most men find this hard alone, which is why it tends to work best when someone is standing beside you.

Choose the method based on your own temperament, not on pride. Either one works if you stick with it.

After each outing, write down what you did and how it felt. The most nervous part of your day is often the part you describe afterward as "fine." Seeing that in writing gives you proof against the voice that says it will go badly.

Aim for a count that is small and certain: three approaches a night, four nights a week, instead of one huge night you never repeat. Frequency builds comfort faster than intensity.

The slow part of the ladder is not courage, it is not knowing what the next step should be or whether you are doing the current one right. A coach at your shoulder solves both.

On a Cold Approach Bootcamp in Miami or New York, every training day has two four-hour blocks in the field. A coach gives live coaching on every approach and feedback after every set, which means your ladder gets built for you in real time. Approach anxiety is the specialty, so the men who lock up are the ones the program is designed around, and there is no skill floor. Group is three consecutive days at three students per coach. Private is 1-on-1 for one, two or three days. Each student leaves with a written practice plan for what to work on when he goes out alone.