Approach Anxiety at Work or School: Why It Is Harder

It is harder because you cannot walk away from the result. A woman at your office or in your class will be there tomorrow, she is connected to people you know, and a bad moment can follow you around for weeks. The fear is not irrational. It is your mind correctly pricing a high-stakes approach.

The fix is not to push through it. Build the skill on strangers, where a bad outcome costs nothing, and bring it back to work and school after you have had a lot of practice.

• Anxiety at work is higher because the situation is repeated, public and tied to your reputation.
• A stranger is the easiest person to practice on, because a bad approach ends when she walks away.
• You do not need to ask out a coworker to prove you are brave. You need to be comfortable talking to women, and that comes from reps.
• Do cold approaches work? Yes, when you approach often, read her signals and keep it light.
• A Bootcamp trains this in the field with a coach beside you, and it requires no experience.

Think about what an approach on a stranger costs. She says no or she says yes, and either way it is over in a minute. If it went badly, you will probably never see her again, and it is soon forgotten. a dating coach counts that as the reason a big city is such a good place to learn. Remove that safety and look at what remains at work.

She comes back. You will see her in the elevator, in meetings and at the coffee machine. A moment of awkwardness has no end date.

Other people know. Offices and campuses are small. If it goes wrong, you worry that her friends and your boss will hear about it.

Your job or grades may be involved. Even a small risk at a workplace feels large, because losing standing there costs more than losing an evening.

You cannot leave. At a bar, you can finish your drink and go. At work, you keep sitting three desks away.

None of that means you should never ask a coworker out. It means the pressure is real, and it explains why men who are fine in a cafe lock up in the break room.

Most men do one of three things. They never say anything and wait for a perfect moment that does not come. They make small talk for months without changing the relationship. Or they ask in a rush, with a lot of pressure behind it, because they cannot hold it in any longer.

All three are the same problem seen from different angles: too much riding on one conversation. When you have approached many women, no one conversation matters that much, and you can be relaxed about the one that does.

Start with strangers. A cafe, a park, a bookshop, a bar, a street. The women there do not know you and do not know anyone who does. A small approach there is a rehearsal for the real thing.

My method for men who lock up is to lower what counts as success. "If instead, your criteria for a good approach is: physically walk up to a girl and utter a sound. That's something anyone can do." Count the sound and nothing else, then raise the bar by one rung when it is easy.

Do it often. A man with fifty small conversations behind him walks into the office kitchen differently from a man who has had none.

A few simple points keep it respectful and low-pressure.

• Read how she treats you. Does she start conversations, stay in them and seem warm? If she is short or keeps things on topic, leave it.
• Keep the ask small and easy to refuse. A coffee or a lunch, not a big evening.
• Accept the answer in one sentence. "No worries" and go back to work, as we describe in How Do You Act Around a Coworker After She Turns You Down?.
• Know the rules. Your company may have its own policy on relationships between coworkers. If you are in her reporting chain, the risks are higher, and it may be wiser not to ask.
• Never ask twice. A no is a full stop.

Yes, with limits. A cold approach is walking up to a woman you do not know and speaking to her. It works when you do it often, pick a good moment, keep it light and take her response seriously. It does not work when you treat it as a performance or when you ignore signals. Women are more likely to say yes to a man who feels calm and easy than to one who is trying to impress.

Some men also ask whether it works at all.

You can do all of this alone, and plenty of men stall because the step is too big or too small. A coach standing next to you adjusts it as you go.

A Cold Approach Bootcamp has two four-hour field blocks each training day, daygame in the street and cafes, nightgame in bars and lounges. Approach anxiety is its specialty. Men who have never approached a woman are welcome, in Group or Private, in Miami or New York. You leave with a written practice plan, so you know how to keep going on your own.

Should I practice on strangers before I ask a coworker?

Usually yes. It lets you meet your nerves somewhere the cost is low. By the time you ask, you will have more than a handful of conversations behind you.

What if I am too anxious to approach anyone?

That is what the first rungs are for.

Is it creepy to approach women at school?

It depends on how you do it. Be brief, read her signals, and drop it at the first sign she is not interested. The same rules apply as everywhere else.