Dating Coach or Matchmaker: Which One Fits Which Man?

You've decided to pay someone to help. That part is settled. What you're weighing is whether the help should come from a matchmaker or from a dating coach, and the two sound closer than they are.

Here is the difference in one line. A matchmaker puts a woman in front of you. A coach changes what happens once she's there.

Neither one ranks above the other. They fix different things, and paying for the wrong fix just wastes the money. So start by finding where things go wrong for you.

Most men reading this already know which column sounds like them. The rest of this article is for the ones who aren't sure.

Firms that publish their process describe similar steps. It starts with a long first conversation about what you want and what has and hasn't worked for you. Then she searches, inside her database and beyond it, and screens candidates before she introduces anyone.

You meet only the people she chooses. Afterward you give her feedback on the date, and the next introduction is adjusted to what you said. One firm is careful to say it can't promise a timeline or a relationship.

That is a real service, and for the right man it's worth having. The supply of women is her job. What happens at the table is yours.

A coach doesn't bring you anyone. A coach watches what you actually do and tells you what to change.

That can mean the approach you didn't make, the conversation that ran out after ten minutes, the text that ended a good evening, or the profile that never gets a reply. Whatever the sticking point is, the coach points at the specific habit and gives you the exact thing to do differently next time.

At ColdApproach.io, the Mentorship Program works like this: weekly 1-on-1 video calls with a primary coach built around your sticking points, direct messaging with the coaches, and a group chat with all five. It covers meeting women in person, your dating apps, your texting, your dates and your relationships. Every call ends with something specific to go and try, and the next call starts with what happened when you did.

The coach's job is you. The women are wherever you find them.

1. What happens on your first dates?

Think about the last handful. Did most of them lead to a second one? If yes, the table isn't your problem, and you can skip the coach. If they fade out, or you leave unsure why, then a new introduction sends the same evening to a different restaurant.

2. How many women do you actually meet in an ordinary month?

Count the ones you'd be glad to have dinner with. If the number is close to zero because your work eats the week and your circle is small, supply is the problem, and supply is exactly what a matchmaker sells. If the number is fine and the dates still don't go anywhere, supply isn't the problem, and more of it won't help.

3. Do you want to get good at this, or have it handled?

Some men would rather learn it. They'd like to walk into any room and not need anyone's help. Others would rather pay someone and keep their evenings. Both are reasonable. Only the first is a reason to hire a coach.

He's around forty, give or take, with a full calendar and a clear picture of the partner he wants. First dates come easily and mostly go well. What he lacks is the time, or a wide enough circle, to find her himself.

Because his dates already go well, he can judge fast whether an introduction is worth his evening. For him the fee simply buys back hours.

He has the time and the means. What he doesn't have is results. Maybe he matches and the conversation goes nowhere. Maybe he gets a number and she stops answering. Maybe he's never learned to start a conversation with a woman he doesn't know, and he's tired of watching her walk past.

He doesn't need a bigger pool. He needs someone who can see what he's doing and say, plainly, "Stop doing this. Do this instead." Once that changes, every introduction he ever gets, from anywhere, goes better.

Plenty of men do. Firms on both sides of this say the two work well together, and that makes sense: one supplies the opportunities and the other makes you better at using them.

Our view is that the order matters. Fix the table first. A matchmaker's fee pays for the introduction and nothing past it. Some very rich men have paid a matchmaker a large sum for a few hand-picked women. For some of them it may have worked, and for a lot of them it didn't.

There's a rule I use when paying for things in online dating. Most of these things are multipliers, and multiplying your results is good. The only problem is what if your results are zero. What happens if you multiply a million by zero? You still get zero. All these multipliers only work if you're already getting some kind of a result. Our view is that a matchmaker works the same way. So get the results above zero first, then multiply them.

There's a third man. His dates go well and his circle is fine, but he has no time for the apps, and most of the single women in his area are already on the apps. He doesn't need introductions or lessons. He needs the daily work done.

That's a different service from either one. At ColdApproach.io it's the Online Dating Concierge: our team redoes your photos and your whole profile, then runs your dating apps for you and books the dates. You get a brief before each date and a short check-in after it. Your first date within a week, or we keep working.† You show up.

Be honest about the last few first dates. If you can't tell why they ended the way they did, ask a friend who has seen you with women, or a coach, to look at how it went. The answer usually sorts you into one of the three men above in a single conversation.

And whichever way it points, write down what you want before the first meeting. A matchmaker needs it to search. A coach needs it to know what to build.

That's what the application is for. Tell us where your dating life is now, what you've tried, and what you want it to look like. On the application call, a coach goes through your situation and tells you which program fits. If what you need is something we don't do, you'll hear that too.

If you want to learn it yourself, find your program. If you'd rather have it handled, see if you qualify.