Approaching Women in a Pilates Class

Talk to women in the lobby and at the door, not during the session. Pilates is quiet and focused, and the instructor sets the pace, so the conversation happens in the minutes before the class and on the way out. Go regularly, be friendly with everyone and keep your remarks about the class and the studio.

These tips apply to a man, a beginner and an in-person approach alike, and men also ask them in forum posts. The answer does not change with the wording.

A pilates studio is small. Reformer classes can have six to ten people, and the instructor watches each one closely. Everyone is focused on their form, and nobody talks over the music.

That means you cannot start a chat in the middle of a class, and you should not try. What it does give you is repeated contact with the same people. After a few weeks, you know faces, names and who tends to arrive early.

Many pilates classes have more women than men. That can make a man stand out, which is fine as long as you do not use it as an excuse to be loud or to stare.

Your openings come in a small window.

• Before class. People wait in the lobby, put their bags away and fill water bottles. Early arrivals are often relaxed.
• After class. Everyone stretches, collects shoes and walks to the door. Women tend to be friendlier after a workout.
• Out front or at the cafe. If the studio has a juice bar or sits next to a coffee shop, that is a natural second stage.

Skip the room itself. The mats, reformers and mirrors are the working area. Do not talk to a woman who is setting up her equipment or doing her warm-up.

Keep the first sentence about the class.

• "Is this your regular time? I'm trying to find the best instructor."
• "That last sequence was tough. Do you do this a lot?"
• "I'm new. Any advice on which reformer settings to use?"

As a beginner, you have an advantage: a beginner has real questions, and people like helping. Ask honestly and listen to the answer.

Do not comment on her body, her flexibility or her outfit. Women in a pilates class are there for their own reasons, and a remark about how they look makes the whole room uncomfortable.

The most dependable way to meet women in a class is to become part of it. Pick one or two sessions a week and keep to them. Say hello to the same people each time. After a few weeks, a woman will recognize you, and a longer chat after class feels normal.

This is slow, and it is meant to be. You are building familiarity, not performing a pickup. If you are warm to the instructor, the front desk and the other men and women in the room, you will find that one conversation leads to the next.

When you have chatted several times and she seems to enjoy it, ask. The best moment is after class, outside the studio, in a casual setting.

You might say: "I enjoy talking with you after class. Do you want to get coffee sometime? Can I get your number?" Hand her your phone.

If she says yes, text her a day later with a plan. If she hesitates, says she has a boyfriend or gives you a clear no, thank her and let it go. You will see her at the next class, and it will be easier if you were gracious.

Several things end a class friendship quickly.

• Following a woman to the changing room or the parking lot.
• Showing up for a class only because a woman goes to it.
• Asking again after she has said no.
• Treating the studio like a dating venue in front of the staff.

A studio is a shared space for exercise. If the others feel safe, you keep your place in it.

If you want to practice approaching in a place where you do not have to return every week, a coach can speed that up. A Cold Approach Bootcamp is in person and in the field, in Miami and New York. Daygame runs through streets and cafes, and night game through bars and lounges.

Each training day is two four-hour coaching blocks, with live coaching on every approach and feedback after every set. Group is three consecutive days at three students per coach, and Private is 1-on-1 for one, two or three days. There is no skill floor, and every student leaves with a short written practice plan.