A Message To Myself From 7 Years Ago

I used to read every text five times before sending it.

If she wrote, “Haha, yeah,” I looked for hidden meaning. If she took a while to answer, I checked my phone again. Then again. I changed my reply because I thought one wrong word would end everything.

That made my texts heavy.

I asked questions that sounded like job interviews:

“Where are you from?”

“What do you do?”

“What do you like to do for fun?”

None of those questions are bad. The problem was that I sent them one after the other. I gave her no reason to feel anything. I only asked her to give me more facts.

A woman can answer ten questions and still feel no pull toward you.

Your job is not to make her prove that she likes you through text. Your job is to show a bit of your life, give her something easy to answer, and see if she takes part.

If she sends one-word replies every time, stop building a date in your head. Her short texts are useful information.

A good text gives her a clear picture.

Instead of asking, “What are you doing?” say:

“I just watched a man carry a full-size plant onto the train. He looked proud of himself.”

Now she has something to react to. She can ask about the plant, make a joke, or tell you about something strange she saw.

You can also state your view:

“People who clap when a plane lands are either very happy or very scared.”

That line is easy to answer. She can agree, argue, or tell you that she claps. You aren't begging for attention. You are giving her a small piece of your mind.

Keep it simple. You don't need to write a speech. One or two lines are enough.

I also learned to stop sending follow-up texts when she hadn't answered. One message is clear. Three messages can look like you are sitting beside your phone, waiting for her.

If she wants to talk, she will add something. Give her room to show you.

A lot of men use texts to ask questions they are scared to ask in person.

“Do you still want to meet?”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Did I say something wrong?”

These questions often come after a woman takes longer to reply or sends less than usual. The man isn't looking for facts. He wants relief from the tight feeling in his chest.

Texting cannot give you that for long. Even if she says, “No, I like you,” you may worry again when her next reply is short.

Deal with the real issue. You don't know her well enough yet to trust every change in her texting. One slow reply does not tell you much. A steady lack of effort tells you more.

If you have a date set, keep the plan clear:

“Thursday at 7. I’ll meet you outside the cafe on Pine Street.”

If she confirms, stop using texts to seek more proof. Let the date be the place where you learn about each other.

If she keeps avoiding a clear plan, say:

“You seem busy. Send me a message when you have time to meet.”

Then stop sending more. Her choice will give you the answer.

I wasted time trying to build a full connection on my phone.

I wanted her to know my humor, my goals, my best stories, and my whole past before we met. That sounds safe, but it creates a strange problem. You start dating the person you made up from her texts.

Texting should help you get to a short meeting. It should not replace one.

After a bit of back and forth, make a clear suggestion:

“You seem fun to talk to. Let’s get coffee and continue this in person. Are you free Thursday evening?”

Give one plan. Don't send five choices and make her plan the whole date.

If she says she can't make it, look for effort. A woman who wants to meet will often offer another time. If she says, “I’m busy,” and gives you nothing else, don't chase an answer from her.

You can reply:

“No problem. If you want to meet, send me a time that works.”

Then put your phone down and go live your life.

I used to think the right joke could save a weak exchange.

It can't.

A strong text from a needy place still feels needy. A plain text from a calm man can work well.

Compare these:

“Hey, are you still interested in meeting me? I feel like your replies have been different.”

“Are we still on for coffee Thursday?”

The first asks her to manage your worry. The second deals with the plan.

That is the tone you want. Clear. Light. Direct.

You don't need to hide your interest. You can say:

“I like talking with you. Let’s meet and see if we get along in person.”

Then watch what she does. Words matter, but effort matters more. She answers, asks you things, and helps set a time. Or she does not.

You don't need to force a reply from someone who keeps giving you silence. You need to notice it sooner.

I wish I had learned that before writing all those careful texts. A message can open the door. It cannot make her walk through it.