Why Am I Addicted to Dating Apps?

Because each time you open a dating app it can pay out a small reward, and the companies behind them earn more the longer you stay. A new match, a like or a message from a stranger each gives a little jolt of validation, and that jolt can become the reason you open the app instead of a date. This is not a medical diagnosis, and it is not a character flaw. The fix is to replace the scrolling with a fixed window that ends in plans.

A match says that someone you find attractive looked at you and said yes. That feels good, and it costs you nothing to receive.

a dating coach says modern life makes it very easy to get that kind of stimulation without effort. He names video games, pornography and social media as things that fill the place real interaction used to hold. On social media, he says, people post for validation, and likes feel good even though a like does not mean someone cares about you.

An app works on the same principle. A new match is a like with a face on it.

a dating coach says all the apps share two interests: keeping people on the app, and making money. He says plainly that they do not care how many relationships or marriages they produce.

That does not make the apps evil. It means you should not expect them to tell you when you have had enough. Every feature that brings you back, whether a new card, a notification or a "someone liked you" badge, serves their goal first.

If you wait for the app to let you stop, you will wait a long time.

A man can sit with five hundred matches and no plans. Swiping is easy and private. Asking a woman to meet is the step that carries risk, so the easy part grows to fill the day.

a dating coach frames online dating as a series of steps: views, likes, matches, replies, numbers, dates. A man can spend all his time at the top of that chain, where the reward is quick, and almost none at the bottom, where the date is.

If you are addicted to anything here, it is often the feeling of progress without the risk of a no.

Ask yourself honestly:

• Do you open the app with no plan for what you will do in it?
• Do you keep going past the time you meant to stop?
• Do you feel worse after a session than before it?
• Do you have conversations that never turn into a plan?
• Do you reach for it during work, meals or time with friends?

Two or three yeses is enough to change how you use it.

Set one or two windows a day, each with a fixed end time. Use them, then close the app.

Turn off notifications and move the app off your home screen, so opening it takes a choice instead of a reflex.

Count plans, not matches. Every match gets a first message inside the window and a suggested place within a few texts. If it is not moving toward a meeting, let it go.

Cap the number of open conversations to a handful you can actually keep up with. Take one full week off every so often, and see what you do with the time.

If your use is costing you sleep, work or relationships, or you cannot stop even when you try, talk to a doctor or a counselor. The apps may be a symptom of something else, and a professional is the right person to look at that.

If the apps are an escape from the fear of real interaction, the answer is a small real-world step. a dating coach's advice on fear is to make the job small and repeat it until the fear shrinks. Start with a short conversation with a woman you already know, or one question to a stranger at a cafe.

The goal is not to give up the apps. It is to use them to get dates, and to use the rest of your time to live.