What to Say When a Match Asks What You Are Looking For

It usually lands three or four messages in, right when things were going well. "So what are you looking for on here?"

Most men answer it as though it were a test. They hedge, or they say the thing they think she wants to hear, and the conversation goes quieter from that point on without either person knowing why.

She is not asking you to pick a label. She is asking whether talking to you is going to be worth her week.

She has matched with several men. Two of them will text for nine days and never ask her out. One will turn out to want something completely different from what he implied. Her question is the cheapest way she has of finding out which kind you are before she spends more evenings on it.

So the answer she wants is not a category. It is evidence that you know how you date, and that you will say it plainly.

"Just seeing what's out there." This says nothing, and saying nothing is itself an answer. She reads it as a man who has not decided, which means the deciding lands on her later.

"A serious relationship," delivered in the second sentence. Too fast to be true about a stranger, and she knows it. It reads as a line picked to pass.

The joke. "World domination." "Your number." It is a dodge and the dodge is obvious. She asked once and got a punchline, and most women do not ask twice.

The mirror. "What about you?" fired straight back with nothing of your own attached. Answering a direct question with the same question is the clearest way to look like you are hiding the answer.

The version that works describes what you do, not where you expect to land. You cannot honestly tell a stranger you want a relationship with her. You can tell her exactly how you go about meeting people, and she can check that within a week.

Something like: "I'm dating properly rather than collecting matches. If I like someone I want to see her again soon and find out if it goes anywhere."

Two sentences. It is true, and it tells her what the next two weeks with you actually look like. It commits to a way of behaving she can verify, instead of promising a feeling you cannot have yet.

If you want a relationship, say it without the weight on it. "I'd like to meet someone I actually want to keep seeing. I'm not in a hurry about it, but that's why I'm on here." The calm version is far more believable than the earnest one.

If you genuinely do not know, that is allowed, as long as it does not sound like avoidance. "I came out of a long one about a year ago, so I'm dating to find out. What I do know is I'd rather have three good evenings than three months of texting."

If you are not looking for anything serious, say so plainly and early. "I'm not looking for anything serious right now, and I'd rather tell you that than let you work it out in a month." You will lose matches on that sentence. You were going to lose them anyway, just later, and with more damage on the way out.

The dishonest answer is the expensive one. A man who says relationship because it keeps the conversation alive has bought two extra weeks and a worse ending.

The other half of this is what you do in the next message.

A man who answers and then waits has handed the whole thing back to her. Answer in two sentences, then take it somewhere. A light question of your own works. The actual plan works better.

"Anyway, that's the honest version. There's a wine bar near me I've been meaning to try. Thursday or Saturday?"

This is one of the best moments in a conversation to ask, because you have just given her the two things she was missing.

When the question arrives matters more than the question does.

At message two it is a filter she runs on everybody, and there is nothing personal in it. Answer it briefly and carry on.

After a week of good conversation it means something else. She is enjoying this and wants to know whether to keep going. That is the moment to answer plainly and name a day, not the moment to get careful.

She will usually tell you hers straight after. Take it at face value the first time.

If she says she is not looking for anything serious, believe her instead of deciding you will be the exception. If she wants a relationship and you do not, that is a real difference, not an opening position. A straight question saves you both a month, and it only works if you use the reply.

If your matches keep going quiet around this question, the wording is rarely the whole story. Usually something in the tone is off: too eager, too guarded, or too keen to be liked. That is almost impossible to hear in your own writing, because you know what you meant.

It takes about ten minutes for a coach to name it with your last four conversations open in front of him. Reading this again will not do it. Having somebody read what you actually sent is what turns it into something you can fix.