What to Do With Your Hands When Talking to a Woman

Keep them loose and in front of you, with your elbows slightly bent. Hold a drink in one hand if you have one. When you make a point, let your hands move between your shoulders and your hips, then let them settle back. Stay away from your pockets, your face and your sleeves.

Nervous habits are automatic. A piece on crush anxiety quotes a therapist describing them as behaviors people fall into when they're nervous or upset, and says they can turn into reflexes. Worrying about them makes it worse, because you fear she noticed.

Give your hands a few easy places to be, so they stop doing it by themselves.

Stand with your hands loosely in front of you and your elbows slightly bent. Hands held rigidly at your sides can look stiff and unapproachable, according to Debrett's guide to social interaction. If you're sitting, rest them in your lap, on the armrests, or on the table in front of you.

Holding something keeps your hands under control. Debrett's lists a glass, a phone and a notebook as props that do this. For talking to a woman, skip the phone.

• A drink. Hold it in one hand at belt height and keep the other hand free. Don't clutch it with both hands in front of you like a shield.
• A notebook. Fine, if you came in with one.
• Not your phone. My advice: put it away so your hands are free and your attention is on her.

Use your hands to show size, emotion or closeness: how big the fish was, how annoyed you were, how packed the bar got. A public-speaking guide on Substack says gestures work when they're deliberate and clear, and that you should return to a resting position after each one instead of keeping your hands in motion. It also says not to force gestures. Enhance the movement you'd naturally make.

Keep them between your shoulders and your hips while you stand. Debrett's says gestures outside that zone draw attention away from what you're saying. The same guide says open palms at hip height read as sincere, and that wide, sweeping gestures can look over-dramatic.

• Hands in your pockets. Debrett's says it can come across as rude or overly casual.
• Touching your face or hair. Rubbing your eyes, stroking your chin or fiddling with facial hair is distracting. A university career-blog post gives the same advice about face, hair and objects in front of you.
• Picking, drumming or wringing. Gripping or wringing your hands, clenching your fists, drumming your fingers and picking at your cuticles all signal stress.
• Crossing your arms. A guide to social interaction and a career post both say it can look closed off or defensive.
• Jingling coins or tugging your shirt. You often don't notice these without seeing yourself. The same Substack guide suggests videoing yourself to spot hand wringing, pocket jingling and clothes tugging.

You'll probably fidget some. That's normal. Do two things.

1. Breathe in for four seconds and out for six, before you walk up or while she talks.
2. Put a drink in one hand. Then you only have to manage the other.

If you catch yourself fiddling, you don't need to announce it. If it's obvious, a plain "I'm a little nervous" and a smile works. The crush-anxiety piece calls admitting your nerves a brave approach.

Hands aren't only for gestures. One relationship article suggests starting with a light touch on her arm or shoulder to gauge her comfort before anything more. Her signs of comfort include mirroring your body language, long eye contact and leaning in closer. If she hesitates or pulls away, stop and don't push. Keep your hands clean and not overly sweaty, since it shows you care about her comfort.

• Phone in your pocket, not in your hand.
• Drink in one hand, or nothing at all.
• Shoulders down, jaw loose.
• Hands in front of you at belt height, elbows slightly bent.

Then say hello.