What Should Your First Message on OkCupid Say?

Something specific to her. OkCupid's own advice is to mention a photo or a detail from her page, or something you have in common, to avoid being too familiar, and to use good grammar. Keep it short, too: OkCupid recommends intros of 40 to 90 characters, and it says a first message that just says "Hey" has an 84% chance of being ignored.

OkCupid's tips for an intro fit on an index card:

• Mention a photo or a detail from her page, or something the two of you have in common.
• Do not be too familiar.
• Use good grammar.
• Keep it to roughly 40 to 90 characters.

Ninety characters is about one sentence. That is not a restriction to work around. A short message is easy to read and easy to answer, and it shows you are not trying too hard.

"Hey" asks her to do all the work. She has to invent a topic, carry the conversation, and decide whether you are interesting, all from one word that tells her nothing about you.

The women getting the most attention on any dating app can ignore lazy openers at no cost. A bare greeting reads like a message sent to everyone, because it usually was. OkCupid's own numbers say most of them go unanswered, so there is no reason to send one.

OkCupid lists her photos as fair game, and they are. But a comment on what she wrote usually lands better than a comment on how she looks.

She hears about her looks all the time, and a compliment on her face says nothing about you. A reaction to something she wrote shows you actually read it. It feels personal instead of superficial. Save photo comments for pictures that show something worth asking about: an unusual place, an odd hobby, a moment with a story behind it.

Good first messages share a few traits.

They are light. A bit of wit or teasing beats an earnest question about her weekend.

They are about a man and a woman who might like each other. You are both on a dating site. Small talk about her day ignores that, and it is dull.

They are personal to her. Even a line you have used before should connect to something she chose to put on her page.

They show you choosing, not hoping. A hint that you are deciding whether she is your type reads far better than a message pleading for a reply.

OkCupid's warning about being too familiar fits here. Pet names, sexual comments and talk about your future together are all too much from a stranger.

You do not need to invent a brand-new message for every woman. A format you trust saves mental energy, and it keeps you away from the clumsy lines that come from writing on the spot.

One simple format works well. Pick one specific detail from her page. React to it with a playful guess, a tease or an opinion. Leave her something easy to answer. Keep the frame and swap the detail, and each message stays personal without you starting from zero.

Do not paste the identical line to every woman you see, though. It reads like spam, because it is.

Here is the format in action. Each one reacts to a single detail, stays inside OkCupid's length, and leaves room for a reply.

• She wrote that she plans every trip for her friends: "The friend who plans every trip. Tour guide or tiny dictator?"
• She has a photo on a climbing wall: "Nice climbing photo. Are you good, or just brave about falling?"
• She says she makes the best pasta in town: "Best pasta in town is a big claim. I volunteer as the judge."

None of them says "Hey". None of them is a compliment on her face. The last one even plants the idea of seeing each other without asking for anything yet.

The first message has one job, which is to start a conversation that can turn into a date. Once she answers, keep the same light tone and steer toward a plan sooner than most men dare.

Float the idea of a drink loosely within the first few replies, as a playful thought rather than a formal invitation. When she is clearly enjoying the conversation, suggest a time and swap numbers. Men who let a good chat run for weeks tend to end up as her pen pal, and pen pals rarely get the date.