Raya names a short list of absolutes for applicants. There can be no depiction of hate, racism, bullying or bigotry, and no known display of disrespect or violence. There can also be no consistent displays of excessive wealth, because Raya says how much money someone has is not the currency there. What counts instead is how you spend your time and who you surround yourself with.

The conduct absolutes

The first group covers the obvious things: hate, racism, bullying, bigotry, disrespect and violence. Almost every man reading this assumes it has nothing to do with him, and for most of them that is true of how they live.

The wording reaches further than how you live, though. Raya rules out any "depiction" of these things and any "known display" of them. A depiction is anything that shows it, such as a post, a clip or a caption. A known display is anything that is known about you, whether you posted it or not. That covers far more ground than the way you behave today.

Where ordinary men get caught

Very few applicants are openly hateful. Far more of them have something old and forgotten sitting in public.

It might be a joke from years ago that aged badly, or group chat humor that made it into a caption. It might be a comment war under a news story that is still visible on your account. It might be a video a friend tagged you in, where a night out turned into a shoving match. Or it might be a running bit among your friends that reads as affectionate to them and as bullying to anyone else.

None of that makes you a bad man. It does make an application harder to read, because a reviewer with no context sees what is on the screen, not the story behind it.

The wealth rule, read carefully

The second absolute is the one men misread. Raya does not say you cannot have money, and it does not say a nice photo counts against you. It rules out consistent displays of excessive shows of wealth.

Both words matter. "Consistent" means a theme, not a moment. One photo on a friend's boat is a day out. A feed of watches, bottles, dashboards and first-class seats is a statement about what you think makes you worth knowing. "Excessive" means the money is the subject of the picture rather than the background of it.

Raya spells out why. How much money someone has is not the currency there. A man who leads with his bank balance is answering a question Raya never asked.

What Raya weighs instead

Raya names two things that matter in place of money: how you spend your time and who you surround yourself with.

Both are cheaper to have than wealth and easier to show. Think of a Saturday league, a garden you are proud of, a band you play in, a kitchen full of friends, or a trip where the photo is of the people and not the hotel. Photos like those tell a reviewer what an ordinary week with you looks like, and that is what Raya says it cares about.

Why these rules exist from her side

A private app depends on its members feeling safe letting each other in.

dating advice describes reputation as something built from many small opinions that people swap with each other. Each person holds their own view of you, and those views mix every time people talk. One cruel post or one ugly clip travels through that swap far faster than a hundred decent ones, and it arrives without your explanation attached.

Women on a selective app are wary of exactly the man who would be a risk to them, to their friends or to their name. Raya is simply doing that screening before they ever see you.

A quick audit before you apply

Spend one evening on it.

Scroll back through your own posts further than feels necessary. Check the photos other people have tagged you in, not just your own. Look at the comments you have left on public accounts. Search your name and see what comes up on the first page. Archive or delete anything that shows cruelty, contempt or a fight, and thin out anything where money is the whole point of the picture.

Then leave your accounts alone and live normally. A clean record of an ordinary good life is what passes.

The same things cost matches everywhere

These absolutes are Raya's, but the reactions behind them are universal. A woman on any of the dating apps who finds an old cruel joke on your Instagram does not ask for context. She quietly loses interest, and you never find out why.

Clean it up for Raya and you have cleaned it up for every woman who will ever look you up.