What Kills the Mood Before Sex on a Date

Rushing, nervous over-checking, early sexual remarks, complaining about your ex or the waiter, a phone in your hand, and neediness all do it. Most of them have the same effect: she feels pressured, judged, or like she's doing work, so she stops relaxing around you.

Here is what each one sounds like, and what to do instead.

Bustle lists "Can you hurry up?" as a mood killer in bed, and it applies on the couch too. A Cape Argus piece quoting a sexual wellness expert says the same about treating sex as a job to finish: sex is about quality, not just quantity, so take the time to enjoy it.

Escalation works better when you respond to her than when you run a checklist. Hand on knee, move closer, try a kiss, then act confused when she doesn't melt. Instead, make a move and watch what she does.

• If she leans in, keeps eye contact, touches you back, and stays close, keep going.
• If she pulls away, goes stiff, or changes the subject to her coworker, slow down. That's a no, or at least a not yet.

If you're on a couch and she's smiling, touching your arm, and staying close, you can try a kiss. If she's turned her body away, you can't.

Asking once is respectful. Bustle names "Are you OK?" repeated again and again from nerves as a mood killer. Asking permission for every tiny step ("Can I sit here?" "Is this okay?" "Do you mind if I kiss you?") makes you look unsure.

One clear check-in is enough. Watch her body, ask once if you're really unsure, and then trust the answer.

Real Men Real Style says a remark like "You're really sexy" early on shows your agenda and reduces her to one dimension before you know her. A brief, genuine "You look great tonight" is fine. Lines like "You know you want me" or "I bet you're wild in bed" usually take a woman from interested to irritated in one sentence.

Flirty works and entitled doesn't, so tease her about something real, like how seriously she took the menu, and save the sexual comments for when she's already leaning toward you.

Real Men Real Style lists several lines that sour a date before it gets anywhere:

• "My ex was crazy." It signals you blame others and may still be angry. "It didn't work out" is a complete sentence, and "We wanted different things" is better.
• "Men have it harder." Gender politics belong much later, once there's trust.
• "I earn a lot of money." It makes money your main selling point. If she asks, "I do alright" or "I enjoy my work" is enough.
• A flat "I don't want kids" on a first date. If it comes up, be honest with nuance: "I'm not sure I see myself as a parent."

Also don't dump your stress on her. Talking about a breakup for 20 minutes isn't intimacy. Saying, "I've had my share of chaos, so I value calm now," gives her context without turning her into your therapist.

The same article says checking your watch or announcing an early exit tells her she isn't your priority. If you really have a conflict, say so before you sit down. Put your phone face down on the table. A phone in your hand during intimacy sends the same message, and the Cape Argus expert says to put it on do not disturb or in another room.

Complaining about the service is the other version. How you treat the staff shows how you'd handle things going wrong with her. Say one light thing and go back to her: "Looks like we're getting the slow-food experience tonight."

Women can usually tolerate awkwardness. What kills attraction is the feeling that you want something from her too badly. Five texts before she replies, fishing for reassurance, "I'm probably not your type anyway": that's making her manage your self-esteem.

If she replies slowly, don't punish her with silence and don't double-text a paragraph. If she cancels, say, "No worries. Rain check sometime," and go live your life. Staying calm is attractive because it shows you're fine either way.

Firing off questions, explaining yourself, and proving you're a good guy all read as nervous. Add something of your own after each question. If she likes hiking, don't give a 12-minute talk about trail shoes. Try, "I like hiking too, but I'm very much a 'snack break every 20 minutes' man." That gives her something to play with.

Slumped shoulders, weak eye contact, fidgeting, and hovering half a step behind her all say "please don't reject me." Walk next to her. When you sit down, take a second to settle in and look present. Make eye contact long enough to show you're comfortable, then look away naturally.

A sexual wellness expert quoted by Cape Argus says basic hygiene is the number-one complaint she hears from customers, and the piece suggests showering beforehand as a way to show respect. Bodily noises happen, and she says the best way to handle them is with humor.

The Thortful blog reports a survey of 2,000 UK respondents in which 70% had been interrupted while getting intimate. Kids walking in was the most likely interruption, and a friend or family member calling was second. Check the apartment before you invite her back, and turn off your ringer.

Stop creating reasons for her to opt out. Be easy to be around, keep the date light, and let her set the speed. She doesn't need you to be perfect, only to stop doing the things above.