What Not to Say on a First Date

Leave out politics and religion. Do not complain about your ex or recite your resume. Do not bring up sex or her body early, and do not apologize for being there. Most first-date damage comes from a few predictable topics and one habit, which is trying so hard to make the night perfect that you stop being relaxed. Here is each one, and a better line to use.

coach has said for years that religion and politics are the two topics to keep off a date. Current events slide into politics within a minute. They are not about you or her. They create the wrong kind of tension, the kind where you are arguing instead of enjoying each other.

Instead: go to something personal. "What is the thing you have changed your mind about most this year?" gets an opinion without a debate.

Talking about past relationships is a minefield, in My phrase. She has her own history, and one wrong detail can end the evening. A man who complains about his ex sounds bitter. A man who still talks fondly about her sounds taken.

Instead: if it comes up, say it in one line and move on. "I was in a long relationship that ended well. I learned a lot and I'm in a different place now." That tells her the story is closed.

"I work in finance, I went to this school, I've been doing this for six years" is a list of facts, and coach says facts build friendships, not attraction. Work is also the least fun part of most people's day. If she asks, answer briefly and turn the conversation back to the two of you.

Instead: say something about why you do it. "I like fixing things that are broken" shows who you are in one sentence. Then add: "Anyway, I'd rather hear what you do with your free time."

Asking about her preferences, her fantasies or her comfort limits on a first date makes you look like a man with only one thing on his mind. coach says if she raises the subject herself, you can follow her lead, but when you drag it in early she feels you have an agenda. Compliments on her body belong in the same bucket. Keep your compliments to her taste, her humor or the way she carries herself.

Instead: flirt with your attention. "You have a great laugh. I keep trying to cause it." Warm, specific, and she can answer however she likes.

"Sorry, I'm terrible at this" and "I've never been on a date with someone this attractive" give her the job of calming you down. My fifth date mistake is exactly this. A man who wants everything perfect looks overwhelmed and anxious, and she starts to feel nervous too.

Instead: remember she chose to come. She showed up because she likes you enough to try. Act like it, and say less. If you are nervous, say it once and lightly: "I'm a little nervous, which is a good sign."

"I think you're the one" or "I could see us married" after a few drinks puts a weight on a night that has not earned it. The same goes for "what are we?" in the middle of dinner.

Instead: say how the night is going. "I'm having a great time" is true, small and enough.

Anything that makes her feel judged, cornered or owed something ends a date. This includes digs about her job, her friends or her age, asking why she has no boyfriend, and pushing after she says no or "not tonight." A woman who says no to something has given you an answer. Accept it the first time with a smile. Pressure never works, and it tells her whether she is safe with you.

Instead: when she turns something down, offer an easy alternative. "No problem. Do you want to walk a bit first?"

This is a conversation mistake, not a topic. My warning is that one boring question is tolerable, two is draining, and three usually ends the night. Mix a statement, a short story or a light tease between each question.

You will. It is fine. My own line about dates is to relax, because she already likes you or she would not be there. If you say something clumsy, own it in a sentence: "That came out wrong. Let me try again." Then go on. A man who recovers calmly looks more confident than a man who never slips.