What Is a Warm-Up Approach and Why Do Coaches Use It?

A warm-up approach is an easy first approach to get your voice and your nerve working before the one that matters. You say hello to someone with nothing riding on it, then another person, then another, until talking to strangers feels normal. Only then do you walk over to the woman you actually want to meet.

Coaches use it because the fear of approaching is worst at the start of an outing and drops quickly once you have spoken to a few people.

Men use the phrase in two ways, and it helps to separate them.

A warm-up approach is practice. It is a short chat with a stranger, often not a woman you are attracted to, done to get going.

A warm approach is the opposite of a cold one. You approach someone with a little connection already, such as a friend of a friend, a woman you have seen at the gym, or someone who smiled at you first. People ask about the warm approach success rate, and the honest answer is that no reliable figure exists. Connection helps, but it changes depending on the woman and on you.

This article is about the first meaning.

Mystery, the pickup instructor, observed that approach anxiety is at its highest before you approach and fades fast once the conversation has started. That is the whole reason for a warm-up. If most of the fear is in the walking over, then the way to shrink it is to walk over many times in a short run.

a dating program advises treating the first three approaches of any outing as practice that does not count. If they do not count, her reaction cannot sting, and you have lost nothing. By the fourth you are already moving.

a dating program's Joe has a version for nights out: go early, before the venue fills, and be the most social person there. The warm-up builds a rhythm of talking to people and it gives you numbers and contact details, even if nobody goes home with you that early.

Start smaller than you think you have to.

• Eye contact and a smile at people you pass.
• A simple hello to a stranger.
• A plain question to a person who works nearby, such as a barista or a bookshop clerk, about the time, a recommendation or directions.
• A short chat with anyone, a man or a woman, about what is in front of you.

Another a dating program member described this as a ladder: smile, then say hi, then a quick compliment, then small talk, then a conversation with a woman. Each step makes the next one easier.

You are ready for the approach you care about when talking to a stranger no longer makes your pulse jump, or at least when you can do it anyway. A few signs:

• Your voice sounds normal when you say hello.
• You can start a conversation without rehearsing it.
• You are noticing her reaction, not only your own nerves.

When that happens, choose the woman you want to meet and go. Do not use warming up as a reason to wait. The warm-up exists for the real approach, not as a substitute for it.

The most common problem with warming up is that it never ends. A man chats to six strangers, feels pleased, and goes home without speaking to the woman he came to meet.

Set the order before you leave: a few warm-up chats, then a real approach, then another. Tell yourself the real one comes after the third conversation, and keep to it.

A coach beside you can tell you when you are ready, and can push you to the next step when you would stall. At a Cold Approach Bootcamp, in Miami or New York, your coach watches each approach live and gives feedback after every set. Both formats start from where you are, and there is no skill floor. Group has three students at most per coach, and Private is one-on-one for one, two or three days.

Do warm-up approaches have to be to women?

No. Any conversation with a stranger counts. Women are the goal, but the skill is starting a conversation.

How many should I do before the real one?

Enough that your first words come out without a struggle. For many men, three is a good start.