Should You Take Back a Girlfriend Who Cheated?

This is for the day after the shock, when you know what happened and she's asking for another chance. If you're still in the first raw days, start with what to do when she cheats on you. Here the question is narrower: how likely is it to happen again, and how do you find out without staking a year on a guess?

Take her back only as a trial with terms, and only if the repeat-risk read below finds none of the signs, or one or two that you have talked through before you agree to anything. Taking her back on a promise alone is the version that goes wrong.

You can't know the future, but you can read what she's showing you now. Weigh these:

• Did she cheat once, or is there a history? More than once, or a history of lies with you or anyone else, is the strongest warning.
• Is she still in contact with the other person? Someone who won't cut contact isn't done.
• Does she say it was wrong, or that it wasn't a big deal? Brushing it off is a bad sign.
• Does she hide things now? Secrecy and anger when you ask a plain question mean the old habits are still running.
• Does she blame you? The Paired site lists blaming the partner as a warning sign. "You drove me to it" tells you she doesn't see her part.

None: the trial below is reasonable. One or two: have the hard conversation before you agree to anything. Three or more: that is your answer.

One writer on the Gottman Institute's blog, describing his own affair, put it plainly: if he'd had mixed feelings about continuing the relationship, it would probably have been best to end it. That applies to the man on the other side as well. If you picture the two of you and feel anger every time, or you can't stop checking her phone, you may never get past it. Wanting her back and being able to trust her are different things.

Outside pressure can also fake a yes. A shared lease, money, friends you both see or a pet make staying look easier than it is. Take those out of the question of whether you trust her.

If the read found none of the signs, or one or two you have talked through, and you want to try, say it's a trial and say what it includes. Do it before you restart, not after.

• Full honesty up front. She answers your questions about what happened, once, completely. No trickle of new details later.
• No contact with the other person. If they share a workplace or the same circle, she makes a real change, not a promise to keep it professional.
• A check-in date. Pick six or twelve weeks out and keep it. Trust takes months to come back, not weeks.
• A way out you agree on now. Decide what ends the trial: another lie, contact with the other person, or you finding you can't stop spiraling.
• A counselor if the talks keep turning into the same fight.

At each check-in, ask:

• Did she volunteer information, or did you have to pull it out?
• Did a hard moment end in repair, or in her defending herself?
• Is she doing the small steady things, like answering when you ask and keeping her word, with nobody checking?

You'll have days when it all comes back. That's normal and doesn't mean the trial is failing. If it comes back every day three months in, with no easing, that's your answer too.

Say no if she blames you, if she lied again after saying she was done, if you can't be in a room with her without wanting to leave, or if you only want her back because being alone feels worse.

You can say it in one calm message: "I thought hard about it. I'm not going to try again. I wish you well." Then stop replying.

Don't test her by getting back at her with someone else. Don't tell her friends the whole story to pull them to your side. Don't make her repeat the details over and over, because it hurts you more than her.

Decide slowly, and decide for yourself. A woman who really wants you back can wait while you think.