Should Men Be Romantic?

Yes, but in the right order. Attraction comes first and romance comes second. Used early, as a way to win a woman who is not yet interested, romance reads as needy and often pushes her away. Used after she clearly likes you, it deepens the connection and shows you care. So the question is less whether to be romantic and more when.

Picture a man who brings a large bouquet to a first date, writes a heartfelt note and tells her she is the most special woman he has met. He thinks he is showing devotion. She sees a man who has made her the center of his world within an hour.

a dating coach explains it simply. If a woman is not yet interested, a big gesture feels like pressure and neediness. If she is interested, she may enjoy it, but it will not do much. In both cases the man gives up value and gets little back.

Romance, done the usual way, puts the woman above you. It says she is a prize and you are hoping to be chosen. That makes the gap between the two of you look wider, and women are rarely drawn to a man who seems to be reaching.

Attraction works the other way. It grows when she senses you have a life, preferences and standards of your own, and that you are choosing her as well.

Many women say they want a romantic man, and many mean it. But they are usually picturing romance from a man they are already attracted to. The same gesture from a man who left them cold feels uncomfortable.

That is why advice like "just buy her flowers" fails. It skips the step where she has to feel something first.

Early on, put your energy into the things that create interest: confidence, humor, direct eye contact, a sense that you lead your own life and a bit of playful teasing. Let her see that you are warm and a little hard to read.

Once she is clearly into you, you have room to show more.

When she likes you, romance lands well. A few ways to do it well:

• Plan a specific, thoughtful date. Choose a place that fits what she mentioned she loves.
• Remember small details. Recall the coffee order, the book she was reading, the story about her sister.
• Give your full attention. Put the phone away and look at her.
• Offer affection without being asked. A long hug, a hand on her back, a kiss on the forehead.
• Do small acts of care. Walk her to the car, bring her something she said she needed.

Quality and specificity matter more than cost or size. A thoughtful small gesture beats an expensive generic one.

Before a romantic move, ask whether you would still feel fine if she responded coolly. If the answer is yes, because it is a gift to her and not a bid for approval, go ahead. If you feel anxious about how she will react, you are using it as a tool to win her over, and it will show.

Once you are together, romance matters a great deal. Small gestures remind her that you still care. But it works best on top of continued attraction. A man who stops looking after himself, stops leading and stops having a life of his own cannot save the relationship with flowers.

coach notes that romantic gestures can help a little deep into a relationship. A big event like a wedding is one case. By then you are already doing well without them.

Two men bring the same woman coffee on a second meeting. The first has spent a week messaging her about how special she is and hands her the cup like an offering. The second says, "I got you the same thing I am having, tell me if it is terrible," and teases her about her taste.

Both are being kind. The second does it from ease and the first does it from hope, and she can tell the difference within a second.

Knowing the order is easy. Staying calm and holding it while a woman you like looks at you is hard. A Cold Approach Bootcamp has you practice attraction first with real women in Miami or New York, with a coach beside you, so romance becomes something you add when it counts.