Nonverbal Communication

When you walk up to a woman, she forms an opinion from a few clear signs.

She sees whether you stand tall or fold into yourself. She sees if your eyes meet hers or dart toward the floor. She sees if you move at a calm pace or rush toward her with your shoulders tight.

You don't need to look like a model. You need to look comfortable in your own body.

Keep your back straight, but don't puff out your chest. Let your shoulders rest down. Keep your hands where she can see them. Walk at a normal pace. Stop about an arm's length away so she has room to stand.

Look at her eyes when you say hello. Hold eye contact for a few seconds, then look away in a calm way. You don't need to stare at her face without blinking. That can feel forced.

Try this when you're at a bar or coffee shop. Walk over with your chin level, your hands loose, and a small smile. Say, “Hey, you look like you're having a good time. What's your name?”

Your body should match the relaxed words coming out of your mouth.

Your face gives women clues about what you mean.

If you say, “That's funny,” while your face stays blank, she may not believe you. If you smile wide while saying something serious, she may not know how to read you. Your voice and face need to tell the same story.

Use a small smile when you first meet her. Let it fade when the talk turns serious. Raise your eyebrows when she says something that surprises you. Nod once or twice when you're listening. These small actions show that you're there with her.

Don't nod after every sentence. Don't keep a huge grin on your face. Those habits can look nervous.

One of our students had a habit of smiling whenever a woman asked him a question. He thought the smile made him seem friendly. In fact, it made him look unsure. He practiced keeping a calm face while he answered. His talks became more direct because his face no longer fought against his words.

You can practice this at home. Record yourself answering simple questions on your phone. Watch the clip with the sound off. Ask yourself what your face seems to say. Do you look bored, tense, or interested? Then record the same answer with a calm face and a small smile.

Eye contact shows interest, but too much eye contact can make a woman feel trapped.

When she speaks, look at her eyes most of the time. When you speak, look at her eyes for a few seconds, then glance to the side before looking back. You can look at her mouth for a moment when she talks, but don't keep checking her body.

If she looks away, don't chase her eyes. Keep talking in a calm voice. She may be thinking, checking the room, or feeling shy. Watch her full body instead of treating one glance as proof of anything.

Good signs include her body facing you, her feet pointing toward you, and her asking you questions. She may also touch her hair, smile often, or move closer. One sign alone doesn't tell you much. Look at what she does over the whole talk.

If she turns her body away, gives short answers, keeps looking at her phone, or steps back, give her more space. Finish your sentence, smile, and say, “Enjoy your night.” Then walk away.

That response shows self-control. You don't need to stand there and work for her attention.

Your hands can show nerves before you say a word.

You may touch your face, rub your palms on your jeans, tap your foot, or keep checking your phone. Women notice these actions because they make you look tense.

Keep both feet planted when you're standing. Shift your weight once in a while, but don't rock from side to side. Let your arms rest at your sides or use them when you speak. If you're sitting, keep your phone in your pocket or on the table without touching it every few seconds.

Don't cross your arms during the talk. That puts a wall between you and her. Don't lean across the table either. Sit back with your chest open and lean in a little when she says something important.

Touch should come later and stay simple. A short touch on her upper arm when you both laugh can be fine if she already seems comfortable near you. If she pulls away, moves back, or stops smiling, remove your hand and give her space. You don't need to ask what went wrong. You already have your answer.

You should show interest without copying every move she makes.

If she speaks softly, lower your voice a little so she doesn't have to strain. If she sits back, give her more space. If she becomes more lively, let your face and voice show more energy.

Don't copy her crossed legs, head tilt, or hand position. She may notice and think you're acting.

Pay attention to how close you stand. If she keeps taking a step back, stop moving toward her. If she stands closer and keeps facing you, you can stay where you are. Her body tells you how much space feels good to her.

Your goal isn't to control every signal. Your goal is to make your words, face, and body agree.

Stand tall. Keep your hands calm. Look at her when you speak. Give her room. Those four changes can make you seem like a different man before you change a single line.