Is the Talking Stage a Relationship?

No. A talking stage is the time before a relationship, when you are texting, calling and maybe meeting, and nothing has been agreed. It becomes a relationship when both of you say out loud that you are together and what that means. Texting every day, sharing jokes, and even spending nights together do not count as that on their own. If you are unsure which one you are in, look at what has been said, not at how it feels.

Talking stage. You are getting to know each other, mostly by phone. You may have met once or twice. Neither of you has promised anything, so either of you can see other people.

Dating. You have met several times and you make plans together. You know each other's schedules a little. It is still open: nobody has said "exclusive," and either of you might be dating others.

Relationship. Both of you have said it. You are exclusive, or you have stated what you are, and each of you is treating it that way.

The mix-ups come when one person thinks they are in the third stage and the other thinks they are in the first.

None of these is proof by itself:

• Daily good-morning texts.
• Calling her "babe" or hearing it back.
• Spending the weekend together.
• Getting along with her friends.
• Telling people you are seeing someone.
• Her saying she likes you a lot.

They can be signs that you are heading there. They are not the agreement. A woman can enjoy every one of them and still think of you as someone she is getting to know.

A conversation, in plain words. Something like "I'd like us to be exclusive" and "I would like that too," or whichever words you both use.

Then the behavior follows. You stop seeing other people and begin treating each other as partners. That means planning ahead, introducing each other to friends, and being straight about what you want.

My teaching is that what you do tells her what you expect. Each of these tells her what kind of relationship you picture: pet names, an invitation to meet your friends, promises about next year, a formal dinner, a casual night in. A woman who likes you tends to go along with the shape you offer. That is why the words matter. Behavior can be read two ways, and one conversation settles it.

Look at what she does.

• She introduces you to friends or family, or invites you to events with her people.
• She talks about next month and next season, with you in it.
• She stops mentioning other men, or says she is not seeing anyone else.
• She makes room in her schedule instead of squeezing you in.
• She asks about your plans and what you want.

If she is doing four or five of those, she is probably thinking of you as more than a talk. If she is doing none and you are texting every day, you are likely in the talking stage with someone who likes the attention.

Do not announce a label after one coffee. My view is that relationships usually move toward the right arrangement gradually. Trying to define things too early puts pressure on someone who barely knows you.

A good order:

1. Meet in person and see whether you like each other.
2. After a few dates, see her regularly and with ease.
3. When you want to be exclusive, say so, briefly and in person.

For step three, try: "I'm really enjoying this and I'm not interested in seeing anyone else. How do you feel about that?" Say it once, then listen. If she says yes, you are in a relationship. If she says she needs time, give her a couple of weeks and see how she acts. If she says no, you have your answer and can decide what you want to do.

There is no right number of weeks. What matters is whether you are meeting. If you have been talking for a month and have never met, you are not in a stage that leads to a relationship. Ask her out. If you have met a handful of times, are seeing her regularly and still have not talked about it, raising it is fair.

Sometimes you ask and she is not ready. It is a hard answer, but it saves months. You can stay if you honestly enjoy what you have. Do not stay in the hope that she will change, because a woman who wants a relationship with you tends to say so.