Talking to a Woman Who's Working: Is She Flirting or Just Doing Her Job?

Mostly, she's doing her job. A woman behind a counter, a bar or a front desk is paid to be warm to you, and her tips often depend on it. So a smile, a laugh at your joke, or a heart drawn on your cup tells you very little.

This piece covers what's specific to people paid to be friendly. For the general read on friendly versus interested, see how to tell if she is flirting or just being friendly. For asking a waitress out, see how to pick up a waitress.

Friendliness is part of the work. Staff feel pressure to give top service, and many customers read ordinary hospitality as romantic interest. Being nice to you is her job.

The warmth also tends to track the money. Staff who earn tips have a reason to be most charming to the customers who look most likely to tip well. So her best behavior may say more about your order than about you.

Plenty of baristas write notes on cups just to be nice, and some pre-write them in slow periods. A note or a drawn heart can go to anyone in line, so on its own it's a weak signal. A note that's written for you in particular, referring to something you said, is a stronger one.

Look for the moments when being warm earns her nothing.

A quiet hour. No line, no tip pending, and she still keeps the conversation going. In a busy rush, talking to you is just service.

After your order is done. She stays to chat once you've paid, instead of turning to the next customer.

Questions that have nothing to do with the order. What you do, what you're doing this weekend, and she follows up on your answer the next time you come in.

Something about herself. When she gets off, what she's doing after, what she's studying. People don't offer those to someone they serve for a living unless they want you to know.

One of these may be nothing. Three of them, repeated across a few visits, is something.

She's on the clock, she can't leave, and a no there can leave her stuck being polite to you every time you walk in. So don't ask for her number at the register and don't wait for a reply.

If the signs add up after a few visits, make one low-pressure move, once, at a quiet moment when no one is waiting. On your way out, say one line: "If you ever want a drink when you're off, I'd like that. Here's my number." Hand her the number on a receipt or a card, then leave without waiting for an answer. If she texts, you have your answer. If she says "ha, maybe" on your next visit, treat it as no. If she says no, say "no problem" and mean it, and keep your visits normal for a few weeks. If you can't do that without it being strange, switch shops.

Then you don't know, and that's fine. Keep your chats friendly and short. If another week of visits shows you nothing beyond service, you've lost nothing, and you can put your energy somewhere that gives you clearer answers.