How to Take a Woman From the Bar to a Second Venue

Choose a quieter place close by, give a reason that is about the two of you, and start walking. "It is getting loud in here. There is a quieter spot around the corner where we can actually hear each other. Come on." Say it as a plan, take her hand or lead the way, and keep talking as you go.

Moving to a second venue is what turns a fun bar conversation into the start of a date. It is also where many nights fall apart, so the details matter.

a dating coach's rule is to pull down instead of pulling up. Pulling up means hyping the next place: "This spot is amazing, you have to see it." Pulling down means making the current place feel done: "This place is kind of dying, let's go somewhere more chill."

The reason to hype nothing is practical:

• If you sell the next place hard and it is closed, rented out or has a bouncer who lets her in and not you, the whole plan collapses.
• If you sell it hard and it disappoints, you look foolish.
• Heavy hyping also makes you look like you care too much about whether she comes.

A reason like "I want to hear you better" or "it is fun but it is loud, let's go sit somewhere" keeps the focus on you and her. If the new place turns out to be so-so, it does not matter, because she came for the company.

My second rule: don't pull backward. Move her from a chaotic room to a calmer one.

If you are in a loud dancing club, a quiet wine bar or lounge is an upgrade. You can talk, there are fewer men approaching her, and there is room to get closer.

If you met her in a quiet wine bar and take her to a packed dance club, you hand her to a noisy room full of distractions. Promoters, other men and the music can all pull her attention. You end up standing there while someone else dances with her.

So before you suggest anywhere, ask yourself: is it quieter, calmer and easier to talk in than where we are? If not, pick a different place.

A restaurant seems natural, but a slow meal kills a night. The waiting, the plates and the bill bring the energy down, the lighting is flat, and she gets tired and starts thinking about the morning. You also cannot leave on a whim.

If food is the only thing she will say yes to, do it. A short stop for takeaway or something quick still beats nothing. Otherwise a second bar with a drink gives you more control over when you leave.

When things are going well, do not let her get pulled away. If she says she needs the bathroom, walk her over and wait for her. coach says a lot can happen between a crowded room and a bathroom: promoters, other men, a friend who wants her to meet someone. Walking with her, in a light, normal way, avoids losing her.

Also, take her away from the busiest part of the room before you ask. A quiet corner or the door is a better place to suggest moving than the middle of the dance floor.

If she came with friends, deal with them before you take her anywhere. Check that she tells them where she is going and that they are fine with it. Inviting the friends along for one drink, or at least saying a warm goodbye, keeps the night safe and keeps you from looking like you are stealing her.

Know before you go out what you will do if the second venue works: a place near your home, a rooftop, somewhere comfortable. My advice is to go out near where you live so the next step is short, and to know the route in advance. Planning is not needy. It keeps you from improvising badly at one in the morning.

Knowing the rules is easy. Running them on a real night is hard. At a Cold Approach Bootcamp, your coach is with you in the bar, and the curriculum covers recognizing when an immediate date makes sense and how to move toward one.