How to Stop Finding Other Women Attractive in a Relationship

You will not stop finding other women attractive, and trying to will only make it louder. Noticing is automatic, like noticing a good smell as you walk past a bakery. What you control is what happens next: whether you look away or keep looking, whether you drop the thought or build on it, and whether you bring your attention back to the woman you are with. The goal is not blindness. It is loyalty, practiced in small moments.

A man in a relationship who sees an attractive woman at a coffee shop has done nothing wrong. His eyes registered something pleasant. Feeling guilty about that tends to make men fixate, because the thing they are trying not to think about becomes the thing they think about most.

So start by dropping the shame. The attraction is information about how you are built, not a sign you are in the wrong relationship.

The line sits somewhere in what you do with the noticing. These are on the harmless side:

• A glance, then your eyes go back to your plate.
• A passing thought, then you move on.
• A quiet "that woman is attractive," then back to the conversation.

These cross toward trouble:

• Looking again and again, or following her with your eyes.
• Replaying the moment later and adding to it.
• Turning it into a story in which you and she are together.
• Seeking a reaction from her, such as a flirty remark, a long look or a text.

coach frames a relationship as an agreement about what you are to each other and how you behave. If you have agreed to be monogamous and want the relationship to last, keeping that agreement builds trust, and breaking it destroys the relationship. You already know your agreement. This is simply how you keep it.

1. Look away. Not as punishment. Just move your eyes and your attention.
2. Name it in your head. "Attractive. Fine." Naming takes the charge out of it.
3. Return to your partner. Say something to her, take her hand, or ask a real question about her day.

Over time, the turn back to her becomes automatic. You are training a habit, and habits form through repetition, not willpower.

Some things make the pull stronger, and you can turn them down.

• Scrolling feeds full of strangers' photos. If your feed is mostly women you do not know, trim it.
• Spending evenings alone with your phone while your partner is in the next room.
• Following accounts whose only purpose is to be looked at.

You are not being prudish. You are choosing what your brain gets fed. A person who stares at pictures all evening should not be surprised that his mind is full of other people.

Sometimes the constant noticing points to something in the relationship. coach lists the usual ways men get lazy after they win a woman: they stop going out, stop flirting, drop foreplay, fall into dull talk, and stop working toward the things they promised. If you and she have gone flat, your attention will drift toward anything that feels new.

The fix is not a different woman. It is bringing back what you did at the start. Plan a real date. Flirt with her on purpose. Do something neither of you has done before. Much of the pull to look elsewhere fades when the person next to you feels alive again.

If you spend most days fantasizing about other women, or you feel pulled to act, that is a signal to stop and be honest with yourself. There are three roads:

• Fix the relationship. Talk to her about what is missing, and work on it.
• Get help. A counselor can help if the urges feel compulsive or are linked to a deeper dissatisfaction.
• End it honestly. If you truly want something else, say so and leave, rather than drifting into an affair.

The one option that works against you every time is the secret one. Hiding the pull while you act on it hurts her, and it hurts you.

One more habit helps: decide in advance what you will not do. No private flirting by text. No lunches with a woman you are drawn to that you would not mention. No "friends" who are really a back door. Boundaries drawn when you are calm hold up better than rules made in the moment.

Notice, look away, return to her. Reduce what feeds the pull. Keep the relationship alive so it is the more interesting thing in front of you. If it is bigger than that, deal with it honestly instead of hiding it.