How to Stop Comparing Every Woman to Instagram Models

Change what you look at, and change how you judge. Unfollow the accounts that leave you dissatisfied, learn how those photos are made, and spend your attention on women in person, where you can hear her laugh and watch her move. The comparison isn't a flaw in your taste. Psychologists have shown that looking at very attractive women makes ordinary women look worse by comparison.

In one of psychologist Douglas Kenrick's studies, one group saw unusually beautiful women and another saw average-looking women. Then everyone judged an average-looking woman. According to The Marginalian's account, the group that had just seen the beautiful women judged her "significantly uglier than normal."

In a related Kenrick study, men looked at centerfolds and the women at nude men, then everyone rated their feelings about their current partners. The men who saw the centerfolds rated themselves as less in love with their partners. The women who saw nude men were less affected.

A later study found the same effect with computer-generated avatars. People who saw attractive avatars rated an average-looking woman as less attractive than people who saw unattractive ones.

So if you scroll for an hour and then see the woman next to you at the coffee shop as plain, your eyes did that, not her. The feed moved your reference point.

These are lab studies, not studies of men on Instagram. But the mechanism fits: you see a lot of extreme beauty, then you compare real women to it.

Ambitiously Alexa, a blog about comparing yourself to Instagram models, points out how much work sits behind a feed:

• Many images are edited with filters, Photoshop and Facetune. Cellulite can be blurred, waists cinched and acne blended away.
• Camera angle, lighting and how a bikini waistband is worn change how a body looks.
• Depending on how well known she is, a model may have a team that handles the shoot: lighting, the best angles, removing oil from her face, and professional editing.
• Ordinary people take selfies on a timer or ask a friend, without any of that.
• Unfiltered paparazzi photos of celebrities often look less touched up and more like ordinary people.

So the woman you're measuring everyone against is partly a photograph. You're not comparing a woman to a woman. You're comparing a woman to a produced image.

Firefly Therapy's advice on social media comparison works for this too.

1. Take a one-week break. Delete the apps from your phone. If you need to check something, use a web browser.
2. Curate your feed. Unfollow or mute accounts that leave you feeling dissatisfied, and follow accounts about your real interests and more varied people.
3. Turn off notifications so you open the apps on purpose.
4. Set a 10-minute check-in. Set a timer before you open the app, then ask how you feel and whether you want to keep scrolling.
5. Cut use gradually. Use your phone's app limits and start with 30 minutes less a day.
6. Put phones away at dinner, in bed and for the first hour after you wake up.

Firefly also says self-worth gets tied to likes and follower counts, and that building it on your values and private goals helps. If you find the comparison tied to disordered eating or thoughts of self-harm, it advises getting help right away.

It helps to notice the exact moment. You're talking to a woman, and a voice says, "She's a six." Then do this:

1. Name it. Say to yourself, "That's the feed talking."
2. Look at something specific that isn't her body. Her laugh. How she tells a story. Whether she looks at you when you speak.
3. Ask one real question about something she said, and listen to the answer.

A woman who looks average in a photo can look completely different when she's talking. The same goes the other way. Some women who look perfect in photos feel flat in person.

The photos tell you a few things. Three dates tell you a lot more. Ask these instead:

• Do I enjoy her energy?
• Do I feel relaxed around her?
• Is she interested in me?
• Does she treat other people well?
• Do I want to see her again?

A woman may not stop traffic when you first meet her, but after three dates her confidence, humor and warmth can make her very attractive to you. That isn't settling. It's what happens when two people actually connect.

If you only pursue women who are very visible or visually extreme, you tend to get more competition, less availability and more pressure to perform. Meanwhile plenty of women who are just as attractive have normal jobs, friends and local dating lives. They aren't hidden. They just aren't sent to you every day.

Two situations:

• Two women, one choice. One has a large online following and a polished look. The other is a nurse who dresses well, laughs easily and seems interested in you. The first looks better on paper. The second may be the better match in practice.
• The dating profile. You see a woman's photos and think she's decent-looking, not a knockout. Then you meet her and she's warm, her smile is playful, and you want to keep listening. Photos don't carry any of that.

Spend time where you can see how someone moves and talks: classes, friend groups, coffee shops, events, volunteering, the gym, hobby groups. Say hello and ask a question. You see more in ten minutes of conversation than in ten photos.

Ask a woman for her number only when you've enjoyed the conversation, not because of how she looks. Then take her out once and see how it feels.

If you tried the steps above for a few weeks and every woman still looks like a downgrade, that's worth noticing. Two possible causes: your feed is still full of it, or you're using the comparison to avoid the risk of talking to a real woman. A model on a screen can't reject you. A woman at a party can.

Pick one woman this week and talk to her for ten minutes. You aren't asking her out. You're checking what the feed told you against what's in front of you.