How Do You Tell Women on Tinder or Hinge You Prefer Curvy Women?

Don't announce it. Show it by who you like and by writing to her about something specific. If she asks about your type, say it plainly once and then put the attention back on her. A message that opens with your love of big women reads as a message to a body type, not to her.

One plus-size woman wrote about what that opener feels like. She described a man telling her "I am already in love with your body" when it was the third sentence of the conversation, and the other two were about his love for big women. Her conclusion: "you aren't messaging me, you're messaging a body type."

She's not against being found attractive. She wrote that it's fine to fancy fat women, and that sexual attraction is important and everyone has a type. Her objection is to men who make it the be-all and end-all. Her advice to men who want her body is to spend some time on her mind first.

The other failure is the opposite one: the man who expects thanks for "lowering his standards." One woman recalled a date who opened with "I don't normally fancy women of your size." The compliment needs to be about her, not about what you're willing to put up with.

Plus-size women describe the same warning signs. Watch for compliments that focus entirely on the body, constant comments about size, and questions about her exact weight. The line is between desiring her and fixating on one feature of her.

Avoid all of those, and avoid labels like BBW in your first message. The message should work for any woman you'd want to meet.

Pick one specific thing from her profile and ask about it. Then, if you want to compliment her looks, make it about a particular photo, not her size:

• "Your laugh in the third photo made me smile. What was happening there?"
• "That dress is great on you. Is that a place you travel to a lot?"
• "You wrote that you hate small talk. What would you rather talk about?"

Skip any remark about her size, even a flattering one. A woman who has been messaged by men who want her for one reason can tell the difference in a line.

Don't write "BBW only" or "curvy girls only" in your bio. A flat, positive line works better, and it should read as a fact about you, not a rule aimed at her. Something like "I like women who laugh loud and have strong opinions." Let your behavior in the app, who you like and how you write, carry your preference.

It's ambiguous. In one long forum discussion, some women said that "curvy" is read online as a euphemism for fat, while others said it describes shape, not size, and that a size 4 or a size 18 can be curvy or not. Because the word means different things to different women, a specific sentence about her is safer than a category.

Answer plainly once, then turn it back to her: "I'm attracted to bigger women, and you're the one I wrote to because of your photos in Lisbon. What took you there?" You can be honest without making her body the topic.

Don't expect an app to hand you a list of big women on request. Tinder says its Search feature will not return results based on sensitive traits such as race, religion, body type or political views. Tinder points men to its filters and preferences, which sit with the Discovery settings, as the tools for finding the kind of person you want.

Match.com is more open about it. Its Top Picks are chosen from your stated preferences, and body type is one of the things they take into account, next to faith, education and whether she has kids.

a dating coach is blunt about this on the apps. If you like everyone, the app treats you as unselective and has no reason to show you the women you would be most excited about. His advice is to swipe right only on women you would genuinely take for a drink.

For you, that means you can be specific without any apology. Spend your likes on the women whose photos make you want to start a conversation. A short list of women you are keen on beats a long list of strangers you tolerated, and you will write better first messages to people you are pleased to find.

My rule for every app is to change one thing, then watch what happens. Change your opener and track the replies. Then change a photo, not both at once. A simple record of who you liked, who answered and who agreed to meet will show you what works.

The apps are only the introduction. What turns a match into a date is the conversation you have and how soon you suggest meeting. Treat every woman as a person, and let your preference show in who you pick and how warmly you write.