How to Escalate Things with a Woman

Escalate in small steps, and make each step a little more romantic than the one before it. A teasing line, then a touch on the arm, then sitting closer, then a kiss, then a quieter place. After each step, watch whether she moves toward you or away. If she moves toward you, take the next step. If she pulls back, stay where you are and keep the mood easy. The same steps work whether she is one of your matches from swiping or a woman you met offline.

Escalating is raising the romantic and physical temperature of the time you spend with her. It is not a trick and it is not one big move. It is a series of small ones, and she answers each of them.

Most men picture it as a single moment where they either go for it or chicken out. In practice it is closer to turning up a dial. Each step is small enough that she can say yes to it without making a decision.

a dating coach describes the most common date as the interview date. She talks about her job, you talk about yours, an hour passes, and nothing in the conversation says that you two are a man and a woman. That date ends with a hug and a polite text.

The fix is to mix two kinds of talk. Some of it is normal conversation. Some of it is flirting, teasing, or a compliment that only makes sense between a man and a woman. a dating coach's word for the back and forth is fractionation. You add a little romantic tension, go back to ordinary talk, add a little more, and the romantic parts get bigger over the evening.

You do not wait until the end of the date to start. If the first hour has no tension in it, a kiss at the end is a leap she was never prepared for.

Here is a rough ladder for a first or second date. Skip steps when she is clearly with you. Never skip them when she is not.

1. Tease her. Pick something she said and play with it. A light accusation works well: she says she is a terrible cook, and you tell her you will be bringing your own food.
2. Touch that has a reason. A hand on her arm when you make a point, or a light touch on the back when you walk through a door. Watch whether she touches you back.
3. Sit closer. Pick a bench, a couch or a corner of the table where your knees can meet. Do not stay across from her all night.
4. Eye contact that lasts a beat longer. Hold it a second more than is polite, smile, and let her be the one to look away.
5. The kiss. a dating coach says beginners nearly always underestimate how much a woman likes them, so if you think a kiss might be on, it was probably on ten minutes ago.
6. A more private place. Her place, your place, or a quieter bar. Suggest it casually and as a plan, not as a question about whether she wants to.

You can do all of this without saying a word. You can also say it out loud, and many men are better off doing so. One of a dating coach's students brought up the kiss by asking, "So are you as good a kisser as you are a conversationalist?" She had a chance to say yes, no or not yet.

The same idea works for moving somewhere else. a dating coach points out that most dates end without any attempt to close, and that when a close does work, it has usually been asked for more than once and in different ways. You hint at going somewhere, she may hesitate, you make it sound fun, and you bring it up again later. A hesitation is not always a no. It is information about the step you just tried.

Escalate when she is giving you something back. She leans in, laughs at your teasing, touches you, stays when she could leave, or asks what you are doing afterward. That is the green light for the next small step.

If she is polite but flat, give the date more tension before you try anything physical. Tease harder, compliment her more directly, and see whether her energy changes. If it does not, the date has told you what you needed to know.

This holds for dates that begin on dating apps as well. The first meeting is often a coffee or a drink, which is a platonic setting by design. The escalation still has to happen, and it starts with the tone of the first twenty minutes.

A no is not a verdict on you. It is an answer about the step you just took. If she turns her head, leans away, or says not yet, say "no problem," keep your tone warm, and go back to normal conversation. Do not ask why and do not sulk.

Handled calmly, a not-yet often becomes a yes on the next date, because she saw that you can take a no without making it heavy. If she gives you a clear no more than once, stop and enjoy the rest of the night. Pushing past it is the one move that ends everything for good.

• Waiting for permission to start. If the whole date is chat, nothing is moving.
• One big leap after a long stretch of friendliness. A sudden jump from friend to kiss feels like an ambush. Build up to it.
• Apologizing for the step. If you ask for a kiss or suggest another place, do it calmly and then be still.
• Turning it into a negotiation. a dating coach's rule for the relationship side applies here too: act the way you want things to be and let her tell you if she has a problem with it.

Escalation is mostly a habit of making each date a little warmer than the last. A man who does it steadily gets more yeses than a man who plans one perfect move.