How to Ask a Woman Out: In Person, Over Text and on Apps

Ask her out by telling her you want to see her and naming one plan: a day, a place and something easy like coffee or a walk. Do it face to face if you see her, and by phone or a short text if you met online. Say it plainly, without apologizing, and take her answer calmly whatever it is.

You can talk to as many girls as you like. You can get them as attracted as you like. You can have as many clever lines and witticisms as you like. Doesn't mean anything anymore if you don't close.

A lot of good conversations end with a warm goodbye and no plan, and the only thing missing was the question. But how do you close without being needy or creepy? The rest of this guide is the answer, and it comes down to five things:

1. She has shown you she enjoys talking to you. She asks you questions, she stays when she could leave, and she tells you things about herself.
2. You tell her, in your own words, that you want to see her.
3. You name one plan: what you will do, roughly when, and where. It is small enough that she can say yes in a few words.
4. You ask once, plainly, and then stop talking.
5. You take her answer well. If it was a soft maybe, you get one second try, described below.

Standing in front of her, texting from your couch or typing into an app, you are doing a version of those five.

Face to face is the strongest place to ask when you already see her, or when you have just met her and the talk is going well. She hears your voice, she sees that you are relaxed, and she answers on the spot, so you are not left staring at your phone waiting for a reply.

Ask on the spot

The easiest ask in a conversation that is already going well is the instant date. You invite her to something small, right now, and you start walking. The trap is the eager version, where you say "Hey, let's go grab an ice cream" and then stand there hoping. Look at that invitation from her side. This is an undefined time frame. She doesn't know how long you're going to keep her there. She may be a little nervous about it.

Give the invitation an end, and keep it loose:

I might have plans later, but I could do a quick ice cream.

Swap in coffee, a walk or whatever is nearby. Then actually stand up and lead. Oftentimes she'll stand up and go with you.

When you are going on an instant date, it's more important to sell that it's not a big deal than it is to sell that the place you're going is amazing. You are not pitching the café. You are inviting her to walk ten minutes with you, and a man who treats that as no big deal makes it easy for her to agree.

If there is a place you really like nearby, you can take an intermediate step:

Hey, I know this great place. Let's go check it out real fast.

You can definitely do an intermediate step. A short stop that goes well turns into a longer one without anybody having to ask twice.

Ask for a plan later

Sometimes she cannot go now. She has a shift, a friend is waiting, or she is headed to the train. Ask for a plan with a number attached, and say the plan first:

I'd like to take you for coffee this week. What's your number?

Most guys are way too quick to settle for a number. A number with no plan is something you can lose, because she goes home, gets busy and forgets what she liked about you. A number with a plan on it is the start of the date. Text her before she is out of sight so your name is in her phone and she knows the plan was real.

Where to stand when you ask

If you're in a crowded place, move the girl over to the edge of the sidewalk. Ask where she can hear you. Asking in front of her friends, or while she is in the middle of something, puts her on the spot, and a person put on the spot often says no just to get out of it.

Text is a good place to ask when she has given you her number or you have traded real replies, so your name means something to her. It is a poor place to ask a stranger. If you met her in person, the moment you met is the best place to ask. If you missed it, use a friendly text to bring the conversation back, then move to a plan or a call.

Ramp up instead of jumping

Rather than just go from zero to "do you want to go out," there should be kind of a gradual ramping up towards the date. It's called the soft close. Here is one version, a three-question close:

You: Are you adventurous?

Her: Yes.

You: What's your view on this sort of activity? (Name something you could do on a date: a climbing gym, a food market, karaoke.)

Her: That sounds fun.

You: Okay, cool. What's your week look like?

Every version has the same shape: a qualifier and then a vague suggestion and then a close. Each step gets you a little bit closer to the close, but it's not just dropping the entire close all at once. After a warm answer, the close is a plain question about her calendar:

Cool, what's your schedule like this week?

When she gives you a day, nail it down to a plan: the day, the time and the place.

Use whatever qualifier fits her. A joke she made or a place she mentioned works better than a stock question, because it proves you were listening.

Read her reply before you ask

Every text is one of four texts. Knowing which one she just sent tells you how close you are to making plans.

The furthest from making plans is silence. If it's silence, you need to be not making plans and not trying for things. Men often get this wrong. She goes quiet, and their next text says "So do you want to get a drink?" Almost certain to get no response.

If you are getting positives, you do need to be at least bridging the close. You shouldn't be getting positive response after positive response and just keeping it conversational. A man who never moves from jokes to a plan ends up as the funny guy in her phone she has never met.

You need to push things forward, but you can push things forward slowly. Each friendly reply moves her one step closer without you forcing it. When the replies are warm, the plan is the next thing to say.

Do not ask over and over

Some men send the same request again and again: "So you want to go out? So you want to go out?" It's just very repetitive, very obvious, and it tells her you have one thing on your mind. Instead, you want to mix in some normal conversation along with "do you want to go out?"

The job of the text is to get her into a real conversation with you in person. Use it to arrange the date, not to replace it.

A phone call is easy to skip and very useful. The thing that will get you the dates is comfort and the way things are framed, and a few minutes of your voice builds comfort faster than days of typing.

There are times you just pick up and call. Here are the clearest ones:

• She is writing long texts with several questions inside. Answering them all in type takes a long time. Sometimes just pick up the phone and call.
• You are trading texts back and forth quickly. You are both on your phones already, so a call is the natural next step.
• You are arranging logistics: what day, what time, which place.

If she doesn't pick up, you have not done anything strange. Send one relaxed line:

Hey, sorry, it was kind of like a lot to text, but just let me know when you're free.

Or keep it lighter:

Thought it might be easier to call, but just hit me back when you can.

You can also set up the call ahead of time. The first text after you swap numbers can say:

Hey, it's [your name]. Look forward to talking to you soon. Please save this number so you can be appropriately excited for my call.

That line makes a call the normal next thing, so there is nothing odd about it when it comes.

Calls also cut the number of dates that fall through. When you do verbal communication before the date, or even better yet FaceTime, face plus verbal communication, you get far fewer flakes, and also when the girls show up on the date they're far more excited to see you.

A call is a bigger ask than a text. Texting you can ignore, you can drop it whenever, and you can get back to it at your leisure. So keep your first call short, friendly and aimed at a plan.

On an app, the temptation is to ask for the date in the chat itself. There are two problems with that. If you need to follow up, it's weird, because you have no other way to reach her. And your message is just thrown in with all the other dudes that are messaging her on the platform, in an inbox that is already full.

Move her somewhere a little more personal first. Close for a number, then take the number to the date. It makes things a little more intimate, and it gives you a second place to reach her. You do not need a speech about it. Just imply it: we're gonna go from texting to talking.

This is easier to say out loud than to type. What's your number?

Ask for the number once she is replying with some effort: answering your questions, asking you things and offering details about her life. If her answers are short and flat, a better question will do more than an earlier ask.

Once you have the number, send the setup text from the phone section above, then call. Settle the plan on the phone or in two or three short texts. Do not spend weeks talking on the app. The longer it goes on without a plan, the more it turns into a pen pal friendship.

A plan is easy to say yes to when it has these features:

• It is small. Coffee, a walk, a drink or a lunch. A long evening with a dinner, a movie and a bar after is a lot to agree to with someone she barely knows.
• It is specific. A day or two days, a rough time and a place. "Sometime" gives her nothing to answer.
• It is public. A café, a market, a park, a bar with her friends nearby. She wants to feel safe agreeing.
• It has a natural end. Coffee ends when the cups are empty. An open-ended evening has no exit, and she knows it.
• It comes from something she said. This is the best kind.

That last point is worth a minute. Before you ask, find out what she likes. When you talk, listen for the food she loves, the place she has been meaning to try, or the thing she did last weekend. Then build the plan out of it, so you are inviting her to something she already wanted to do. If she mentioned a ramen place, the plan is ramen. If she hates crowds, the plan is a walk. You are not guessing at what would impress her; you are using what she told you.

Compare:

• "We should hang out sometime." becomes "Thursday after work, that taco place near the park?"
• "What are you up to this weekend?" becomes "I'm going to the farmers market Saturday morning. Come with me?"
• "Dinner, a show and then maybe drinks?" becomes "Want to get a drink Friday?"

Keep it to one question. If you want to offer a choice, make it a choice between two days, not a menu: "Thursday or Saturday?"

Be willing to schedule dates on weekends, it's just going to be easier if you at all possibly can. Certain days of the week are easier to schedule dates on than others, and someone who works all week may have more room on a Saturday afternoon than on a Tuesday night.

Ask when she has given you something to ask with. Look for these signs:

• She asks you questions back instead of only answering yours.
• She stays in the conversation when she could easily leave.
• She brings up something about her week, her plans or what she likes to do.
• She remembers something you told her earlier.
• Her replies are getting longer and warmer, not shorter.

You do not need certainty. You will never get it, and waiting for it is how a good moment goes cold. The thing that decides your odds is whether she is comfortable with you, and you can feel that in the conversation. If she is relaxed and engaged, ask. If she is distracted, rushed or giving you one word at a time, spend a little more time talking and try again later in the conversation or on another day.

Do not ask right after a cold reply or a silence. Do not ask when she is clearly in the middle of something. And do not wait weeks for the perfect moment. Every day without a plan is a day she remembers you less clearly, and a man she barely remembers gets a polite no.

Plan for all four answers, because many men prepare only for yes.

If she says yes

Confirm one detail and let it be. "Great, Thursday at seven. I'll text you the address." Then do what you said. Do not flood her with excited texts. A date is something to look forward to, and you do not need to keep proving that you want it.

If she says she is busy

A busy answer is a scheduling problem more often than it is a no, so treat it as one. Empathy would be if you try and solve the problem. Don't become part of the problem, become the solution.

No problem. How about Saturday morning instead?

Most times you have to ask multiple times, maybe in different ways. Maybe you have to present it the right way. For a busy answer that means a second ask with a different day or a smaller plan, once. If she answers the second one with warmth and a day of her own, you have a date. If she apologizes again and offers nothing, take it as the answer.

If she says maybe

A maybe is a soft answer, and usually the right response is a light one:

Sure, if you're free, let me know.

Then stop. Do not ask what she meant, sell the plan again or send "so did you decide?" A woman who wants to go will make it easy. If three or four days pass and she has not written, one friendly text about something else is the most you should send. If she answers with energy, offer a day. If she doesn't, you have your answer.

If she says no

Be normal:

No worries, take care.

Don't ask why. Don't try to talk her around. Don't sulk. Taking a no calmly makes you more attractive than reacting badly would, and she will remember how you handled it.

Work, a class, a gym or a friend group changes the rules, because you will see her again whatever happens. In a small workplace, pushing too hard has a cost: it makes it hard to work there, and you might get fired. The same holds in any small circle where everyone talks.

So play it slow. You want to develop a positive reputation. Say hello and goodbye to every girl, say hello and goodbye to every relatively social, relatively cool guy. You don't have to hit on anyone, and you should not. Just be the man who is friendly with everybody.

That sounds slow, but it works. If you exchange three words with them, good job, you made progress. You're going to see the people over and over again, so you don't have to have an incredible conversation with them the first time you see them. Be a little bit patient. After a few hellos she starts greeting you first, and then she starts conversations with you. By the time you ask, you are not a stranger. You are the friendly man she already likes.

Avoid the rushed close too. Say you talk for a few minutes and she is called away to a meeting. Don't chase her down the hall for her number. You're gonna see her anyway. Chill, relax, she's not going anywhere.

When the conversations are easy and she knows you, ask in private, away from the people you both work with:

I've liked talking with you. Want to get lunch somewhere outside the office on Thursday?

Keep it light, name a place away from work, and make it easy to turn down. If she says no, say "No problem" and carry on being friendly. In a place where your reputation is absolutely everything, the way you take a no is part of that reputation. If your workplace has rules about dating coworkers, know them before you ask.

• Asking over and over. One clear ask, and one second try with a different day. After that, stop.
• Apologizing in advance. "Sorry, this is random" and "no pressure at all, only if you want" tell her you expect a no, and she may give you one.
• Being vague. "We should hang out" gives her no plan to accept or decline.
• Going too big. A long evening is a lot to agree to. A short coffee is easy.
• Writing a speech. A long text about how you feel is a lot for someone you have not yet had a first date with. Keep it to a line or two.
• Asking at a bad moment. Mid-task, in front of her friends or right after a cold reply puts her on the spot.
• Putting your whole mood on her answer. Have your own week going. If you have plans and friends, she hears a man with a life, and a no does not wreck your day.

How do you ask a girl out over text without being weird?

Be specific and keep it short. Send one line with a plan in it: "There's a taco place by the park I want to try. Saturday around six, want to come?" The weird part is usually the vagueness or the length. Do not send three messages in a row, and do not open with a long apology. If the conversation has been warm, a text like this reads as a normal next step. If you have never spoken, send a friendly note first and let her reply before you suggest a plan.

How do you ask a girl out for the first time?

Pick the smallest plan you can think of and ask the same way you would ask anyone. "I've liked talking with you. Want to get coffee Saturday afternoon?" is enough. Nerves are normal, and a calm, short question shows them less than a long, careful one. If you have never asked anyone before, expect your heart to pound and ask anyway. The second ask is much easier than the first.

How do you ask a girl out without making it awkward?

Awkwardness comes from the extra words. Say what you want and when, give her a way to say no, and then stop talking. "I'd like to take you out. Are you free Thursday?" leaves little room to be awkward. If she says no, smile, say "No worries," and change the subject. How you handle a no decides whether the next conversation is comfortable or strange.

How do you ask a girl out at work?

Be friendly to everyone first, so you have a reputation before you have a request. Ask in private, not in front of coworkers, and suggest something outside the office. Take a no easily and keep being pleasant, because you will see her again on Monday. The section above on asking someone you see every day has the full approach.

How soon should you ask a girl out on a dating app?

As soon as she is giving you real replies, which can be within a few days of the first conversation. Ask for her number first, then take the number to the date, so the plan happens outside the chat. A week of daily texts with no plan tends to turn into a friendship. If she is giving flat, one-word answers, a better question will do more than an earlier invitation.

How many times should you ask a girl out?

Once, clearly. If she says she is busy and the tone is warm, ask a second time with a different day. If the answer is a no, or a vague answer to the second try, stop. A man who asks over and over looks needy, and it also wears out the goodwill you built. Two asks is the limit. After that, put your attention on people who say yes.