How to Approach When You Are Afraid of Looking Stupid

Approach anyway, keep it simple and keep it short. The fear of looking stupid is far bigger than the actual risk, because a clumsy approach is forgotten within minutes by everyone who saw it, including the woman. The way through is to make your first approaches small enough that they cannot go very wrong, then raise the difficulty a step at a time.

If you have searched for an approach anxiety program as a man who thinks he is the only one who looks foolish out there, you are not. This is the most common thing men tell a coach.

Picture the worst realistic version. You walk up, say hello, your voice cracks, she smiles politely and says she is on her way somewhere. You say "no problem, have a good day" and leave.

What did that cost? About thirty seconds of mild embarrassment. She will think about it for less time than that. a dating coach says the same about approaches that go nowhere: if you mess one up, nobody cares two minutes later. The woman almost instantly forgets, and you will too, sooner than you think.

The picture in your head, with a crowd watching and judging, is a feeling, not an event. Most people on a street or in a cafe are busy with their phone, their coffee and their own worries about how they look.

a dating coach turns the fear around. He asks whether you are afraid of the wrong thing. A bad approach costs you a minute of discomfort. Never learning to approach can cost you a different kind of life: not meeting the women you want, leaving your dating life to luck, and looking back in ten years wishing you had tried.

You can accept a small, brief, mildly awkward moment today, or a much larger and longer disappointment later. When the choice is framed that way, a few seconds of looking foolish is a cheap price.

Not all awkwardness is equal, and it helps to know the difference.

Does not look stupid: a short hello, a nervous smile, stumbling a little, being direct, saying "I know this is random," accepting a no calmly.

Does look off: a memorized line delivered like a speech, or ignoring clear signs that she is not interested. Pushing on after a no, or acting like a character instead of yourself.

Notice what separates the two lists. Nerves are forgiven. What reads badly is performing, pressure and not listening. Most of that you can fix by being simple and paying attention to her.

a dating coach's method for approach anxiety works because it keeps early failures from being possible:

1. Walk up and say something. Even "nice weather today." Then you may leave. That counts as a successful approach.
2. Ask for directions or a quick opinion. About ten seconds, then go.
3. Open with a plain compliment and your name. "Hi, you look friendly, I'm [name]." Now you have done a real cold approach.

Define a win as having done the step, not as getting a number. A man who completes a small step and leaves has beaten a man who stayed in his seat. Each step shows your brain that the thing it feared was not that bad.

The hot, tight feeling that shows up as you walk over is the same feeling you get on a roller coaster. a dating coach suggests reading it as excitement. Tell yourself you are about to find out whether she is fun to talk to, instead of begging not to make a fool of yourself. You are not pretending to be calm. You are changing what the feeling means.

Looking stupid is a fear about being watched and judged. That is hard to shrink alone, because you cannot see what an outside person sees. A coach can tell you that your approach was fine, or exactly what to change, and say it right away.

At a Cold Approach Bootcamp, every training day is two four-hour blocks in the field in Miami or New York, with live coaching and feedback after every set. The program specializes in approach anxiety, and there is no skill floor, so the man who is afraid of looking foolish is the one it is built for. The fourth part of each day is about rejection and follow-through: handling an interaction that does not go your way without letting it decide the rest of your day. Every student leaves with a written practice plan.

Group runs three consecutive days at three students to a coach. Private is one, two or three days, fully one-on-one, which suits some men who would rather not be watched by other students.