How Long Does It Take to Get Good With Women?

Nobody can give you an honest number. For social skills in general, one author estimates one to three years for someone fairly awkward and inexperienced, and under a year for some people. What you can control is how much real practice you do each week and what you measure along the way.

Treat these as rough guesses from individual writers. None of them comes from a study.

• One to three years is one author's estimate for someone who is "fairly socially awkward and inexperienced." He calls it a rough guess. Someone two years behind their peers needs roughly two years of catch-up practice.
• Under a year can happen if your skills are better than you think and you mainly need to commit, if you're missing basic knowledge like where to meet people, if one or two fears are holding you back, or if you're highly motivated with free time.
• No number at all is the answer from a dating writer who spent five years practicing. He avoids giving a figure, citing the 10,000-hour idea, because a number can make practice something to get over with. He says "being great with women" isn't a measurable goal, since you can't tell when you've reached it.

Speed depends on where you start, how often you practice and how far away your goal is.

You can't tell when you've arrived, so you never feel done. Set specific goals instead, and write them down:

• Ask one woman out each week.
• Hold a ten-minute conversation with someone new.
• Get three more dates from your app matches this month.
• Go on a date without dumping your life story.

Then you can see whether you're moving.

The biggest factor in improving is practice. The social skills author says to get as much social experience as you can, as quickly as you can. Keep it small enough to repeat.

One site suggests starting with ten minutes a day for ten days, 100 minutes total. Its point is that starting small gets you going. A daily habit you can keep beats a heroic week you can't.

Examples: talk to someone you wouldn't normally talk to. Ask a stranger a question. Send the message you've been avoiding. Another writer starts beginners with a simple one, asking one person a day for directions for a week, and warns against setting heavy quotas like five approaches a day on day one.

If you're getting nowhere, start with the parts that remove easy objections.

1. Make rejection specific. Not "I'm not attractive," but "my photos are weak," "I talk too much on dates," or "I'm trying to impress instead of connect." If every chat dies after a few messages, look at the actual messages. One-word replies? Generic questions like "How was your day?" Waiting too long to suggest meeting? Those are fixable.

2. Upgrade what people see first. A clean haircut, clothes that fit, shoes that aren't embarrassing and good hygiene. On a dating app, use one clear headshot, one full-body photo, one photo doing something social and one that shows a real interest.

3. Fix how you carry yourself in conversation. Ask one good question, listen, and share something real in return. Don't ask five questions in a row like an interview. Don't unload your relationship history on date one.

4. Change the habits behind your results. Sleep, exercise, a social circle and one or two hobbies. A man whose life is moving has more to talk about and feels less desperate.

You can hit a snag and slow down for a while. That's normal. One author says you might be only about 30% of the way to your goal and already be much happier than when you started.

The author who practiced five years describes ups and downs, including the sting of rejection, and treats both as part of living.

Self-improvement makes you better. Self-loathing makes you miserable with better grooming.

If you keep hearing the same feedback, take it seriously without making it your identity. "I'm bad with women" is useless. "I interrupt when I'm nervous" is useful. "I never actually show interest, I just try to be polite" is a real starting point.

You can be a good man and still have blind spots. You can be kind and still be boring. None of that makes you unworthy. It means you have work to do.

1. Write one specific goal you can check by Sunday.
2. Do ten minutes a day toward it.
3. Fix one visible thing: your photo, your haircut or your opener.
4. Write down what happened after each attempt.

There's no finish line, but within a few weeks you'll see whether you're moving.