How Do I Actually Find a Girlfriend?

Do not go looking for a girlfriend. Go out and get good at meeting and dating women, date several of them, and choose the one who fits you. a dating coach, a dating coach for more than twenty years, says one of the worst ways to get into a serious relationship is to go out seeking one. The men who end up with the woman they wanted are usually the ones who had other options when they met her. Swiping on dating apps, collecting matches and messaging them are one part of that, not the whole plan.

a dating coach gives three reasons.

First, the woman of your dreams is attracted to the same things as every other woman. If you have not learned to be attractive in general, you will probably be overlooked when she shows up. Meeting her is like trying to hit a home run in the World Series when you have never held a bat.

Second, neediness. One of the least attractive things a man can be is needy. If you talk to a woman because you need her, you have no other options and you are relying on her to make your life work, she can feel it. The men a dating coach knows who meet the women of their dreams are usually dating actively, with plenty of alternatives. That calm abundance is what makes the one who stands out notice them.

Third, tunnel vision. If you push too hard for a serious relationship and it shows, you come across as pushy and too much, too fast.

The honest answer has three parts, and none of them is a trick.

1. Get good with women in general. Learn to start conversations, flirt, and ask for a date. This is the foundation, and it takes practice.
2. Meet more of them. Be where eligible women are, more often, and use dating apps as one source among several.
3. Date until you find one who fits. Treat early dating as finding out, not auditioning. You are looking for a woman you like, and she is looking at you the same way.

When a man does this, the girlfriend question mostly answers itself. He is not searching. He is meeting people, and one of them turns out to be the one.

Most couples did not meet by plan. They met through friends, through a shared activity, through a conversation that went well, or on a dating app, and kept seeing each other. A relationship usually starts as a string of dates that gets more serious over time.

So the question is less about a method for finding a girlfriend and more about producing enough good dates. The more women you meet and the better you are at turning a conversation into a plan, the more likely one of those dates becomes someone you want to keep.

a dating coach speaks to a second kind of man: one who gets dates but is not thrilled with the women he is meeting. They may be cute but not exciting, or attractive but not compatible.

His answer is to get more selective. Cut out the bottom quarter to third of the women you are going after, and pursue only the ones who really excite you. It means growing as a man and being rejected more, because the women you want have more choice. He says it is better for you to be rejected by a woman you really want than to waste time on one with no future.

If you have relied only on online dating, he suggests going offline too and approaching women who intimidate you.

• Go to two places where women you would like to meet spend time.
• Start one conversation each time you go.
• Ask someone for a plan. A drink, a coffee, a walk.
• Keep a dating app profile current as a side source.
• Spend an hour on your own life: your health, your work, your friends.

That last item is not a side note. A man who has a full life comes across as relaxed, and a relaxed man is more attractive than one who needs a girlfriend to feel okay.

Finding a girlfriend is half of it. a dating coach says relationships are far easier than meeting women, and that most men make them hard by becoming lazy. You showered, dressed well and planned the night when you met her. Two months later you are on the couch. Keep doing what got her interested, and keep working on your own goals so you stay a man she respects.

A girlfriend is a result of being a man women want and having enough chances to meet them. Work on both, and be patient for the one who fits.