Eye Contact Before You Approach: How Much Is Right?

Less than most men think. One look that lasts a breath or two, with a small smile, is enough to tell a woman you noticed her. If she looks back or smiles, walk over right then. If she never looks up, you can still approach. Eye contact is a short knock on the door. It is not the conversation, and it is not a permission slip you have to collect first.

If you want the version for the moment itself: look, smile a little, and start moving.

Think of the look as having three parts. You see her. Your eyes meet. You let a small smile show and keep your face relaxed. That whole thing takes a couple of seconds.

Hold it a little longer than feels comfortable if you tend to look away fast. Cut it shorter than you want if you tend to stare. Most men sit at one end or the other, and both ends send the same message to her: this man is nervous about me.

A soft, easy gaze reads as warm. A hard, fixed gaze reads as pressure. If you catch yourself narrowing your eyes to look confident, loosen your forehead and let your eyes do less.

This is the part men get wrong most often, because the look feels like a gift and the brain goes blank in front of it. a dating coach describes the same scene in his approach anxiety teaching: you cross paths with someone striking, she meets your eyes, you have a split second to act, and most men do nothing.

Do something small and quick:

• Keep the smile going and change your direction toward her.
• Speak or wave at that first moment. Waiting makes the look go stale.
• Open with something simple, like a hello and your name, or a quick question about where you both are.

If you look, look away, plan for ten minutes and then walk over, she has already forgotten the look. You are now a stranger who appeared from nowhere. Move while the look is still alive.

The stare. Watching her from across the room for minutes, waiting for a signal, makes you the man at the edge of her vision. She can feel it, and it usually does the opposite of what you want.

The dart. Looking away the instant she looks up tells her you are scared of being seen. Looking away is fine if you come back. What reads as nerves is looking away and staying away.

The wait. Some men treat eye contact as a toll they must collect before they are allowed to speak. Then, when she never looks up, they never walk over. That is a rule you made up, and it costs you every woman who is walking with her eyes forward.

Plenty of women are on their way somewhere, wearing headphones or looking at a phone. They never glance at you. That tells you she is busy. It does not tell you she would hate a hello.

Read the whole scene, not just her eyes. A woman in a hurry with a fast walk and earbuds in is a poor moment. A woman waiting for a coffee, standing still, looking around, is a good one, eye contact or not.

Once you start talking, the eye contact has a different job. a dating coach's advice on getting a woman to stop and listen is simple. Get her attention first with something like "excuse me," and make eye contact. Then pause until she actually looks at you before you say the rest. Then say your opener and pause again. Those small pauses turn a speech into an interaction.

After that, let your gaze move naturally. Eyes for the important words, a drift to her smile or the side of her face when she talks, and back again. Unbroken staring gets intense fast. Constant glancing away looks unsure. Something in between feels like attention.

You can know every rule above and still look at the floor when a woman you like turns her head. The skill is a habit, and habits come from reps in front of real women, with someone telling you what the look actually looked like.

That is a large part of what happens at a Cold Approach Bootcamp. Each training day is two four-hour blocks in the field in Miami or New York, with daygame and night game mixed to suit you. Your coach watches your approaches live and gives feedback after every set, including the part before you open your mouth: your eyes, your posture and how you walk over. Group runs three consecutive days at three students to a coach, and Private is one, two or three days fully one-on-one.