Do Women in NYC Ever Approach Men First?

Yes, sometimes. It happens in New York, but not often enough to build a plan on. A woman will speak first when she is relaxed, in a social mood and has an easy reason to do it, such as a comment about your shirt or a question about the place. If your whole strategy is to wait for that, you will meet very few women.

The better plan is to make it easier for her to speak, and to walk up yourself when she does not.

Most women are taught that the man opens. They get approached often, so they have little reason to start a conversation themselves. Starting one is also a risk for her, because she has to judge a stranger on the spot and stand there if he turns out to be odd.

New York adds one more factor. People move fast, wear headphones and have somewhere to be. A woman crossing Sixth Avenue at lunch is not looking for a new conversation, whatever she thinks of you.

Women are most likely to speak first when the setting is slow and social. A bar on a Friday evening, a park on a warm weekend, a class or a run club, a rooftop with a crowd. They are also far more likely to do it when you give them something to say.

a dating coach describes it as lowering the cost of the first sentence. A woman who is a little interested but shy needs a reason that takes no courage. A hat, a shirt with a message, a colorful pair of shoes or an unusual item that still looks good gives her a one-line opener.

a dating coach lists a few ways to raise your odds, and the useful ones are simple.

Make eye contact and smile. This is the free one, and it has no downside. When a woman looks at you, hold the look for a second, smile, and say hi. Even if she does not walk over, her reaction tells you whether to go to her. He notes that a man who only does this may get approached about once in a night.

Dress well, with one small thing to comment on. He calls this a light version of standing out: your clothes fit and look good, and one item is slightly unusual. A purple tie with a suit works, and so do bright shoes with athletic clothes. Wear nothing so loud that a woman files you as a joke.

Be a regular. If you go to the same cafe, gym or bar each week, staff and other regulars start to talk to you, and it raises your standing in the room.

Dressing like a clown gets attention, but it is the wrong kind. Being loud in a bar does draw comments, but most are negative and the rest of the room marks you as someone to avoid.

Standing alone in a corner with a drink and hoping a woman finds you is the most common version of waiting. It feels safe, and it gives you almost no chance.

When it happens, the worst reaction is surprise followed by a short answer. She has spent her courage on the first sentence, so give her something back. Smile, answer warmly, and ask her a real question. Keep the conversation going for a few minutes before you do anything else.

Then take the lead. Ask her name, say yours, and suggest coffee or a walk. Women who start a conversation are often testing how you react. A man who goes along with it, with a relaxed tone and a clear plan, is the one she remembers. A man who goes stiff and polite and lets it fade has wasted the opening.

Men usually ask this because they want to skip the hard part. That is normal. Approaching a stranger is uncomfortable, and the idea that a woman might do it for you is appealing.

The cost of waiting is large. A man who opens one woman a day for a month has done thirty conversations. A man who waits to be approached may have two. The first man has also built a skill, and the second has built nothing.

Use the things above as helpers and keep walking up yourself. Make eye contact on the way in, wear something you feel good in, and treat any woman who speaks to you as a bonus. When nobody does, be the one who says the first sentence.

If the thought of starting the conversation is what stops you, that is a common problem and it can be trained. Cold Approach runs in-person Bootcamps in New York and Miami, with a coach beside you for every approach.