Dating a Woman Who Is Waiting Until Marriage

Dating a girl who is waiting until marriage works only if you accept her line as a fact and not as an obstacle to wear down. She has made a decision about her own body and her own life. Your job is to find out early whether you can honestly live with it, and then to date her with the same attention and effort you would give anyone you respect.

Do not wait for the hotel room or the third month to learn where she stands. A woman who holds this view usually brings it up herself, and if she does not, you can ask once the two of you have some rapport and it feels natural: "Is waiting for marriage something that matters to you?"

Then listen to the whole answer. Some women mean a firm rule that will not change. Some mean they want to wait until they are in a committed relationship or engaged. Some have a specific faith practice behind it, and others have a personal reason they may not share yet. Do not argue with the reason or try to bargain. Ask what the line includes, because "waiting" can mean different things for different people.

coach makes a related point about a girl's past in his ranking of female red flags: judge the woman by who she is now and what she is doing now. The same applies here. You are dating who she is today, with her values, not a version you plan to talk her out of later.

You are allowed to say it does not. A long, patient relationship built on the hope that she will change her mind is unfair to both of you. Ask yourself three direct questions:

• Do I want this relationship enough to wait, possibly for a long time, with no promise attached?
• Will I resent her or quietly push if the wait drags?
• Am I interested in her as a whole person, or mostly in what comes after?

If the honest answers are no, no and mostly the second one, end it kindly and early. "I respect where you stand, and I do not think I can wait for that. I would rather tell you now than waste your time." That sentence is better for her than weeks of drifting.

If you do want to continue, treat the question as settled. Raising it again every few dates as a test is pressure, and she will notice.

A girl in this position often has a clear sense of what a serious man looks like. Date the way you would for someone you hope to marry, without making grand promises.

• Plan real dates. Dinners, walks, concerts, cooking together, a day trip. The time you spend is the relationship.
• Be clear about your intentions. If you are not looking for something serious, say it before you get close. Letting her believe in a future you do not plan is the worst thing you can do.
• Keep affection warm and within her limits. Hand-holding, hugs and kisses may be fine for her or may be a stage she wants to reach slowly. Read her, ask when you are unsure, and stop the second she hesitates. A woman who sets a boundary and finds you respecting it relaxes around you.
• Let her set the speed. Moving fast to show how much you want her tends to read as pressure.

Some men in this situation try to treat her line as a game to win. Do not.

• Do not joke about "changing her mind."
• Do not sulk, go cold or turn sarcastic when she says no.
• Do not tell her that other women do not wait and you could easily go elsewhere.
• Do not test her at moments when she is tired, drunk or emotional.

Each of these tells her you are not safe to be close to, and she will be right. Consent means her yes, freely given, and when the answer is no you accept it with good grace.

Waiting forces you to develop everything else a relationship is made of: conversation, humor, shared plans, trust and a feel for how she handles stress. My point in his video on healthy relationships is that how you present yourself and how you present the relationship tells her what role you expect from the two of you. If you present yourself as a man looking for a quick conquest, she will see it. If you show her a steady, interested, warm man who has his own life, that is the version she builds a future around.

It also helps to keep your own life full. Keep seeing friends, working out and chasing your goals so that the relationship is one good part of your week, not the only thing you are waiting on.

• You enjoy the time together without hurrying toward what is off limits.
• She asks about your plans, family and values.
• She is relaxed when you touch her hand or sit close.
• You can talk about the boundary without tension.

• You keep thinking about what you are not getting.
• The conversation always loops back to the same request.
• She seems anxious about disappointing you.

If those show up, the honest move is to say so and let her go, and she will respect you more for it than for pushing on.