Can a Guy Stay Friends With a Woman He's Attracted To?

Yes, but only on three conditions. You're honest with yourself about what you want. Your life is full enough that she isn't your whole social world. And you can hear about her dating someone else without sulking. If you can't meet those, ask her out directly or create some distance before you get bitter.

Attraction between friends is common, and the friendships often survive it. In a study of 88 pairs of opposite-sex college friends, men were more attracted to their female friends than women were to their male friends. The men also assumed the attraction was mutual when it usually wasn't, and the women were largely unaware of how their male friends felt.

A larger body of work, summarized in Scientific American, found that participants generally saw these friendships as beneficial, though many people, especially women, counted attraction as a cost. The friendships persisted anyway.

So the question isn't whether you're attracted. It's whether you're clear about it, and whether she knows where you stand.

The trouble starts when one person wants romance and the other wants friendship, and nobody says so.

A guy hangs around because he thinks being nice will earn him a date later. That's a delayed negotiation with bad odds, not a friendship. You hang out, text daily, help her move, listen to her vent about other guys, and never admit you want more. Then you resent her when she starts dating someone else. That pain is real, but it came from your own unspoken bargain.

One dating columnist makes the same point bluntly: a man who puts a lot of effort into spending time with a woman may be accepting friendship as the next best thing to dating her. That's one writer's view, not research, but it's worth asking yourself honestly whether it describes you.

Ask yourself one question: would I regret it years from now if she settled down with someone else before I said anything? If yes, tell her. If no, you can probably stay friends without a hidden agenda.

Don't make it a speech. Give her a clear invitation, not a confession.

Good:

• "I'm attracted to you. Want to go out sometime?"
• "I like our conversations, and I'd be open to dating if you are."

Bad:

• A long emotional monologue about how special she is.
• Telling her you've been "friends" for months as if that counts as a relationship.
• Acting hurt if she says no.

If she's not interested, believe her. Don't negotiate or try to win her over with loyalty.

Often, yes. In the friendships that researcher Heidi Reeder, cited in Scientific American, describes as surviving a rejected confession, both people reaffirmed the bond, toned down the flirting and went back to normal contact. In the ones that didn't survive, the person who confessed sulked and avoided the friend, and the person who said no gave false hope.

So after she says no, do three things: tell her you're fine, mean it, and drop the flirting. If you can't mean it, step back for a while. That's not an overreaction. It's how you keep from turning into a bitter bystander in her life.

A man with no close male friends, no hobbies and no social life puts too much pressure on one woman. She becomes his therapist, entertainment, validation and hope, and that's a lot for one person to carry.

If your world is full, female friendships feel normal. If it's empty, every cute woman feels like a rescue boat.

• Build male friendships that are actually real.
• Keep hobbies that don't depend on female attention.
• Make sure your mood doesn't rise and fall with one text message.

If she's busy one night and your whole week collapses, that's a life-structure problem, not a friendship problem.

• Don't text like a boyfriend.
• Don't become her emotional support boyfriend.
• Don't offer endless favors hoping they'll turn into chemistry.
• Don't fake chill. If she tells you about a guy she's seeing and you feel a sharp twist in your chest, you don't need to be rude, but you probably need some space.
• Have your own plans instead of orbiting hers.

Friendly is fine. Acting unbothered while quietly seething is not.

Some friendships really are only friendships. You meet a woman at work, enjoy her company and decide you like her as a friend. You don't rehearse a confession every night. That friendship has the best odds, because you aren't secretly auditing it for romantic return.

You can stay friends with a girl you're attracted to when you're honest, your life is full and you don't need the friendship to turn into something. When desire, loneliness or ego is dressed up as being a good guy, it fails. At that point, a clean question or a clean exit beats a messy maybe every time.