Are Dating Coaches Legit?

Some are, and you can tell by what the coach does, not by what he says about himself. A legitimate coach looks at your real matches, messages and results, tells you specifically what to change, and promises no outcome. One who offers slogans and promised results is selling something else.

Start by asking how he will see what you actually do. Does he read your real conversations? Will he look at a recording of you talking to a woman? Does he ask for the details of an exchange: her words, your words, and the point at which you suggested meeting? Does he set up the next thing for you to practice?

A good coach can name the behavior to change. Feedback from a real coach on a dating app chat sounds like this: "You wrote 'we should hang out sometime' and she said 'sure.' No day, no place, so nothing happened. Next time name both: 'Thursday at 7, the wine bar on Main.'" That tells you what went wrong and what to do instead.

Real feedback is also quick and repeatable. The coach watches an attempt, stops it, you adjust, and the next try is better. Dating skill is made of behaviors, and they improve if you can stand being corrected. A coach who only motivates and never corrects is not doing the job.

Be wary of advice that never says what to type or do. Slogans such as "be the prize," "work on your vibe" or "build attraction" give you nothing to send when a match writes, "Why are you still single?"

The same goes for advice that feels pleasant and leaves you waiting for something to happen. It goes for any coach who treats everything men do as the problem and everything women do as unknowable.

A promise of fast results with no change to your habits belongs on the same list. Useful advice is often unflattering. You know it is working because your results change.

"Show more interest" is too vague to act on. The usable version is: "When she mentions her sister's wedding, ask one question about it before you change the subject." You can do that tonight.

A coach should also find out how your week runs: your hours, your friends, your job and where you actually spend your time. Lines that would sound odd coming from you are a bad sign. The plan should get you doing more. It should not be a longer reading list.

No coach controls how a woman responds to you, so none can honestly promise a set number of dates, a girlfriend or a deadline. A coach who does is selling something that is not his to deliver.

Our own published disclaimer says the same. It states that we do not promise any specific outcome, such as a number of dates, a girlfriend or a timeline. It says the results we show are real but not typical, and that results depend on effort, consistency and where you start. Look for that kind of honesty from any coach you consider.

Price alone does not prove a scam. One of our coaches puts it this way: what someone charges has nothing to do with whether he is a scammer, because the marketplace sets the cost. Prices vary because the services are so different. One coach sells a single call. Another sells a package of calls, an in-person intensive, or ongoing coaching. Compare what is delivered, not the number.

A blurred or anonymous testimonial is not always fake, either. Our coaches note that men often do not want people to know they took a dating program, so dating testimonials are harder to collect, and many clients ask to be blurred. A fairer test is whether the coach shows specific, describable results, rather than only vague praise.

The coach's gender is not the test. A man is not a better coach for being a man, and a woman is not a better one for being a woman. Check whether the person can tell what is true from what he or she would like to be true, and whether the advice is concrete and ends in something you do.

A dating coach builds a skill: approaching, conversation, texting, turning interest into a date. A therapist treats what is going on inside you. A coach should not try to diagnose a clinical problem, and in a crisis a therapist or crisis line comes first. Our disclaimer states that coaching is not medical, psychological, legal or financial advice.

The real value of a coach is time and accountability. He spots what keeps happening that you cannot see from inside your own habits. He shortens the learning curve. He asks the question "what did you do this week?"

A coach is worth it when you will do the practice, because the reps are yours. If you will not write to her or ask her out yourself, no coach can do it for you.