4 Dos and 5 Don'ts for Interracial Dating

Ask about her family, food, music, work, and the places she feels at home. Let her choose what she wants to share.

You can say:

“Did your family grow up near here?”

“What food did you eat at home as a kid?”

“What part of your culture do you still keep in your life?”

These questions give her room to talk. They also give you a chance to learn about her as a person.

Do not turn the first few dates into an interview about race. You do not need a list of facts about her background. You need to pay attention to her answers and ask good follow-up questions.

If she tells you that her parents care about dating within their culture, ask how she feels about it. Do not jump in with a speech about how love should work. Listen first.

Race can affect family visits, holidays, religion, food, children, and where you live. You do not need to bring up every issue during the first drink. You also should not avoid the topic for months.

Ask a calm question when the relationship starts to become serious:

“How does your family feel about you dating someone from another background?”

“What have your past relationships been like with this?”

“What would you want your children to learn about both sides of the family?”

She may say her family is open. She may say one parent has a problem with it. She may not know yet. Hear the answer before you decide what it means.

You also need to say what you want. If you have never dated outside your race, tell her that without making her responsible for teaching you everything.

“I haven’t dated a woman from your background before. I want to learn about you, and I’ll ask when I don’t understand something.”

That sounds grown. It also sets a clear standard for honest talk.

You will get things wrong. You may say a word badly, miss a family custom, or choose a place that makes her feel out of place. Own the mistake, fix what you can, and keep going.

One student I coached brought his girlfriend to a family dinner. His aunt made a rude comment about her hair. He sat there and said nothing. His girlfriend left early and did not answer his calls for two days.

He later told her, “I should have stopped that when it happened. I was worried about making a scene, so I made you handle it alone.”

That was the talk they needed. He did not defend his aunt. He did not ask his girlfriend to calm down. He took responsibility for his silence.

When you do not know what to do, ask her what would help. Then respect her answer. She may want you to speak up. She may want to leave. She may want to deal with the comment herself.

Do not make her hide parts of herself to keep your family calm. Do not expect her to spend every holiday with your relatives while you avoid hers.

Meet the people who matter to her. Learn the names of the dishes at her family table. Notice how her relatives greet each other. You do not need to copy them. You do need to show respect.

Give her the same care with your family. If your brother makes a crude joke, deal with it. If your mother keeps asking when she will “go back home,” do not leave your girlfriend to answer alone.

A strong relationship gives both people room to bring their full lives into the room.

Do not tell her that you have “always wanted” a woman of her race. Do not talk about her body as if her race created it. Do not compare her to women you have dated before.

Comments like these sound like:

“I’ve always had a thing for women like you.”

“You’re exotic.”

“I bet you’re wild.”

She has heard versions of this before. It makes her wonder if you want her or an idea you made from movies, music, and porn.

Tell her what you like about her as a person. Mention the way she talks about her work, the joke she made, or how she treats people. Be specific.

You do not need to prove that you are colorblind. You do not need to win a talk about racism. You need to understand what she is telling you.

If she says a comment hurt her, do not answer with, “I didn’t mean it that way.” Your intent does not erase what happened.

Ask, “What part of what I said hurt you?”

Then listen. If you made a mistake, say so in plain words. “That was rude. I won’t say it again.” You do not need a ten-minute defense.

Her parents may ask direct questions. Her uncle may watch you closely. Her family may speak a language you do not understand during dinner.

That does not mean every person in the room wants you gone. Stay polite. Greet people. Ask her how to say names. Put your phone away. If someone insults you, stay calm and let her see how you handle pressure.

You should not accept abuse to prove that you care about her. You can leave a room without shouting. You can say, “I’m not staying while people speak to me that way.”

If you act single around your friends, she will notice. If you refuse to introduce her to your family, she will notice that too.

You do not need to post photos or make a speech. You do need to treat her like your partner in public and private.

A man once told his girlfriend that his friends would “make it weird,” so he kept bringing her around only when they were gone. She felt ashamed, even though he claimed he was protecting her from jokes.

He was not protecting her. He was avoiding a hard talk with his friends.

You may care about each other and still disagree about family, religion, children, or where to live. Love does not make those questions disappear.

Talk about them before anger makes the talk harder. Ask what each of you can accept. Ask what would end the relationship. Take her answer seriously.

Race does not decide whether a relationship works. Your choices do. Respect her, speak up for the relationship, and deal with hard topics while you can still talk without shouting.