What to Do When Your Wingman Steals the Woman or Ruins Your Approach

Don't fight him for her in the moment. Take the conversation back with one calm line, finish or exit cleanly, and talk to him afterward when nobody else is around. If he does it again, he isn't helping you, so next time go out with someone else or go alone.

Say your wingman is getting all the laughs and she's turned to face him. Competing makes you look tense. Redirect the conversation to her instead:

• "Wait, I actually wanted to ask you something."
• "So what are you like when you're not out making us look underdressed?"
• "You seem like the one with the interesting story here."

Then ask her a real question and keep your eyes on her. You're not telling him to back off. You're showing her who you came over to talk to.

If it's clear she's more interested in him, let it go. Say something easy like "Looks like you two are getting along," and walk to the bar. You lose a few minutes, and you keep your standing with her friend and with the room.

If he won't step back even when things are going well, you can move the conversation forward yourself:

• "We're going to grab another drink, but I wanted to get your number before we disappear."
• "I'm going to steal her for a second," if the mood is playful and the group can take it.

If he's bored and wants to leave while you're doing well, tell him you're staying for one more drink. You're allowed to.

A line like "My friend thinks you're cute and I told him I'd help him out" makes the whole thing feel staged. Don't defend it and don't argue with him in front of her. Laugh, say "He's a lot, I know," and carry on with her. Or exit with a smile and try again somewhere else.

A bad approach costs you a couple of minutes. A visible fight with your friend costs you the rest of the night.

Wait until the two of you are away from the women and ideally sober. Dr Pam Spurr, in Wingman's blog on spotting a bad wingman, suggests opening on a positive note and explaining how things change when you're both interested in the same people. Then listen to his answer.

Something like: "I like going out with you. When I'm talking to a girl and you jump in, it kills what I'm doing. Can you give me room to lead?"

Dr Pam Spurr's list from the same Wingman post, which you can compare to your last night out:

• Everything revolves around him, like always choosing the places that suit him.
• He pushes you out of conversations so he's the one talking to the person you like.
• He puts you down in front of potential dates, or criticizes your appearance right before you go out.
• He flirts with your crush to prove he can win her over.
• He leaves you alone once he's hooked up with someone.

A student newspaper, the Daily Evergreen, makes a similar point in a different way. A good wingman keeps the conversation going among all three of you and doesn't oversell his friend. A bad one makes excuses for his friend, points out his flaws, and makes himself look better by comparison.

If he does several of these and doesn't change after you've talked, the Wingman post's advice is plain: find a new wingman. Dr Spurr also suggests keeping your dating life private until you feel more in control.

A 60-second talk before you leave the house covers most of the mess.

1. Who leads the approach?
2. Who speaks first?
3. How do you bail out if the vibe is off?
4. How do you split up if the girl is interested in one of you, or neither?

A student newspaper piece from Johns Hopkins adds a useful trick: agree on a simple signal for yes, no or let's leave.

Once you've set it up, the division of labor is simple.

• You: lead the conversation with the woman you're interested in.
• Wingman: keeps the energy warm, chats briefly with her friend, and gives you room.

He answers questions for you only if you're stuck. He doesn't turn every comment into a joke. And he doesn't pull you away because he's bored. A good line from him is "He's the one who asked to come over. I'm just here for moral support." It's playful and takes pressure off you.

Pick a wingman whose style matches yours. If you're calm and direct, don't pair up with a guy who performs like he's at an open mic night.

If you can't find someone who passes the list above, go alone. A wingman who steals attention costs you more than no wingman at all.