Why Do I Only Like Women Who Aren't Interested in Me?

Often because uncertainty is doing the work. Not knowing whether she likes you keeps her on your mind, and the more you think about someone, the more attractive she seems. Other causes are covered below. A woman who clearly likes you gives your brain nothing to chase. You can break the habit by checking what she actually does, not how she makes you feel.

One study gets quoted a lot on this. A PureWow piece describes it this way: researchers from the University of Virginia and Harvard had female college students view the Facebook profiles of men who had supposedly rated how well they'd get along with them. One group was told the men liked them the most, one was told the men gave a middle-of-the-road rating, and one was left unsure how the men felt. The page reports that the women were most attracted to the men whose feelings stayed unknown, and that they thought more often about those men.

This was a small study of college women, and PureWow doesn't give the number of participants. It doesn't prove that men feel the same way about women. But it matches what most men describe: the one who keeps you guessing takes up the most space in your head.

Bustle collected quotes from therapists and coaches. None of these is proven for you, but they're worth checking against your own life.

• How you were raised. A teletherapist quoted there says people who grew up "yearning for more love or begging and pleading for and chasing love" may find themselves chasing people who aren't interested.
• Attachment. A psychologist quoted says that once we form an attachment, we hang on. It feels good, so we want more of it even when it doesn't make sense.
• Self-worth. A life coach says people stuck chasing unattainable people often have self-worth issues. If you don't believe you're good enough to attract someone who wants your time, you may target people who don't.
• Fear of closeness. A therapist quoted there says we may pick someone equally uncertain, so they end up unavailable, which lets us avoid real intimacy.
• Daydreaming instead of dating. The same therapist says it's safer to daydream about "the one who got away" than to deal with the problems of a real relationship.

Psychology Today adds a simpler one: things we believe are forbidden are things we want more, at least for a while. The same article says that when the novelty wears off, you start to see faults that were invisible early on.

Ask one question: Do I like her, or do I like how I feel around her? If you can't name specific things about her, you probably don't know her well enough yet. "She's different" is not a personality trait. "She makes me feel chosen" is not chemistry.

Signs you like her:

• You enjoy how she thinks.
• You respect how she treats other people.
• You like spending time with her even when nothing exciting is happening.
• You feel more like yourself, not less.

Signs you like the chase:

• You keep replaying small moments because there isn't much else there.
• You're more excited by uncertainty than by her actual behavior.
• You ignore clear mismatches because she's "hard to get."
• You feel anxious more than you feel connected.

Example: if she loves the same kind of books, has a dry sense of humor, and is easy to talk to, that's real information. If she's attractive and a little vague, and you've built a whole story around that, you're watching a highlight reel in your head.

A lot of men call it chemistry when what they feel is anxiety. Watch for:

• Checking your phone every five minutes.
• A rush when she finally replies.
• Getting obsessed after mixed signals.
• Thinking about her constantly but barely knowing her.

Early attraction can look like this too, so it isn't always a problem. It's a problem when it's always the same. If you feel calm around women who are open, and bored by them, that's worth noticing.

When you're chasing, your imagination does most of the work. Switch to behavior:

• Does she make time for you?
• Does she follow through?
• Is she consistent?
• Does she show curiosity about your life?
• Do you feel more relaxed around her over time?

Example: she says she wants to see you, but keeps rescheduling. Another woman is less exciting, but she confirms plans, shows up, and asks about your day. The second woman is usually the better bet, because she's actually participating. Potential is cheap. Behavior costs something.

1. Write down what she has actually done. Plans she made, times she showed up, questions she asked. If the list is short, you have your answer.
2. Ask her out plainly, once. A specific plan: "Want to get coffee Saturday afternoon?" If you get a vague answer, don't build a story around it.
3. Go on one date with a woman who is clearly interested. Judge her on the same five questions above. Boredom on a first date is not proof of anything. Give it a second one before you decide.
4. Stop making one woman your whole week. Keep your routine. See friends. Train, work, build something. One text from a woman should be a nice addition, not a life raft.
5. Don't act on every pull. Psychology Today's advice for a crush you can't have is to take time away and spend it on other things, and to talk it through with a friend. It adds that if a crush turns into an obsession, a session or two with a therapist can help. If this habit repeats and hurts, that's worth doing.

Wanting a spark is normal. Wanting to feel wanted is normal. The problem comes when the feeling becomes the whole story, and you build a relationship on adrenaline instead of how she treats you.

The woman who's right for you may not be the one who makes you most anxious. She'll usually be the one who makes things easy.