What to Do If She Wants a Relationship Before Getting Physical (Video)

Many men hear, “I want a relationship before sex,” and start trying to change her mind. That usually makes the talk worse. First, find out if you want the same kind of relationship.

“Relationship before sex” can mean several things. She may want trust first. She may want to know that you both are dating each other. She may want an exclusive relationship. She may also mean she does not have sex until marriage.

Do not guess. Ask her plainly.

You can say:

“When you say you want a relationship first, what does that mean to you?”

Then stay quiet and listen.

She may say, “I want us to date only each other.” You may be fine with that. She may say, “I need a few months before sex.” You may be fine with that too. Or she may say, “I need us to plan a future before we have sex.” That may not fit what you want.

None of these answers makes her wrong. None of them makes you wrong. They tell you what each of you expects.

You should also state your own view. Keep it simple.

“I like you, and I want to keep seeing you. I’m open to a relationship, but I don’t promise that before we know each other better.”

That line does two things. It shows interest, and it keeps you from making a promise just to get sex.

A man can say he wants a relationship when he really wants access to her body. Women often notice when his words and actions do not match.

Ask yourself a few hard questions. Do you enjoy talking with her when sex is not on the table? Would you still want to see her if she asked to wait several weeks? Do you like how she treats waiters, friends, and other people? Can you picture bringing her into your normal life?

You do not need to demand sex as proof that she likes you. You also do not need to agree to a relationship as payment for sex. Sex and commitment are separate choices.

One guy I coached kept taking a woman to dinner while complaining to his friends that she “owed him” sex. He was not looking for a relationship. He wanted sex without saying so. When she asked what they were building, he gave vague answers and kept asking her to come over.

She ended things. That was fair. He wanted one deal. She wanted another.

A clean answer would have been:

“I’m attracted to you, but I’m not ready to call us a couple. I don’t want to lead you on.”

That answer may end the dating. It also keeps both people from wasting more time.

Pressure can sound soft. It can look like sulking in her car, asking the same question five times, or saying, “If you trusted me, you would do it.”

Those lines do not build trust. They make her manage your mood.

If she says she wants to wait, accept the answer the first time. You can ask one calm question about what she needs. After that, change the subject or end the date.

You can say:

“I hear you. I’m not going to push you. I need to think about whether waiting works for me.”

Do not keep touching her after she pulls away. Do not invite her to your home and hope she gives in once she is there. Do not use alcohol to make the choice easier for her. She needs to want sex without fear, guilt, or pressure.

You also have the right to leave. Leaving is different from punishing her.

Say:

“I respect your choice. I don’t think we want the same kind of dating, so I’m going to step away.”

Then step away. Do not send angry texts. Do not call her names. Do not tell mutual friends that she used sex to control you.

A woman can set a limit. A man can decide that limit does not work for him. Both people still need to act like adults.

If you both want a relationship, talk about what you are agreeing to. Do you date other people? Do you call each other boyfriend and girlfriend? How often do you see each other? Are you both looking for a serious relationship, or are you still learning about each other?

Do not treat the label as a prize you hand over so she will have sex. A label should describe what you both choose.

You can say:

“I want to keep dating you and see where this goes. I’m not dating other women. I also want us to talk about sex without pressure when you feel ready.”

Then watch what happens. Does she make time to see you? Does she ask about your life? Does she show care outside the bedroom? Do you feel calm and respected when you speak about hard topics?

Waiting for sex does not mean you must act like a married couple. You can still keep your own home, friends, work, and plans. You can enjoy kissing, touching, and closeness only when both of you want it and both of you know the limits.

If she changes her mind, that does not create a debt. If you change your mind about the relationship, say so before you have sex. Do not stay for weeks while planning to leave after she sleeps with you.

The cleanest answer is often the hardest one: accept her limit, state your own, and leave if they do not fit.