What Do Men Actually Want Out of Marriage?

Mostly respect, companionship and a calm home. In a survey of more than 350 American husbands by journalist Neil Chethik, men said they wanted respect and understanding, and a partner who is with them rather than "on them or at them." His men didn't marry for their wives' looks, and most didn't mind if she earned more.

Chethik's survey was reported by ABC News and published in his book VoiceMale. The article gives few details on method, so treat it as a useful snapshot, not proof. Its findings:

• Men said they wanted mainly respect and understanding.
• Men proposed because they wanted physical, emotional and intellectual companionship.
• Men did not marry for their wives' physical beauty, and most didn't mind if their wives earned more than they did.
• More than 90% said they would marry the same woman again.
• The happier a wife was with how chores were divided, the happier her husband was with their sex life.

Advice writers add similar themes. Dr. Val Farmer's advice to wives includes less criticism, accepting him as he is, a home that isn't a place of constant conflict, room for him to be alone, and spelling out what she wants so he doesn't have to read her mind. A marriage-advice site's list of 21 things men want in a relationship opens with respect, trust, support, appreciation and communication.

Most men picture marriage as a break from the grind: less guessing, less dating drama, less loneliness. They want a woman who's glad to see them, a home that feels warm and fewer games and exhausting arguments.

That's a fair hope, but it turns into a fantasy if you expect your wife to manage your whole mood. If your stress leaks out as sarcasm, withdrawal or irritability, the home stops feeling like relief. If work was brutal, say, "I'm fried. Give me 20 minutes and I'll be back." Don't slam cabinets and expect her to decode you.

Many men want to feel wanted on purpose, not tolerated. They hope a wife notices them, respects them and stays attracted after the novelty wears off.

That takes effort from you too. If you stop looking after yourself and drop your hobbies and ambition after the wedding, don't be shocked when her eyes glaze over. And don't make "being chosen" a test, where every missed text counts as proof she doesn't love you.

Ask men what they want and they'll say affection, loyalty or companionship. Underneath is usually respect: "I trust your judgment," "I take your effort seriously," "I don't mock you in front of other people." Respect here doesn't mean worship or obedience.

It goes both ways. If you say you'll handle the bills, handle them. If you're wrong, admit it plainly. If you're upset, don't use silence as punishment. If your wife brings up a problem and you listen, think and answer clearly, she keeps bringing things up while they're small. If you explode or shut down, she stops, and the resentment builds.

A lot of men hope marriage will end the awkwardness around sex. It can get easier than in the early months, but easy doesn't mean automatic. Contempt, chronic stress, unresolved conflict and emotional distance hurt desire. Warmth, flirting and play help.

What helps:

• Keep flirting after years together.
• Don't make every conversation about chores and logistics.
• Stay healthy enough to feel desirable.
• Handle conflict outside the bedroom.

The chores finding above fits here. If you want a better sex life, look at how you split the housework.

This is the one many men don't say out loud. Men are often taught to function alone, so they get good at being useful and bad at being known. They hope marriage is where they can drop the armor.

Healthy marriages have honesty without dumping. You should be able to say, "I'm not doing great," without feeling weak. But don't make your wife your only outlet. Keep friends, work, exercise, faith, family and purpose. Marriage can be the center of your life without carrying all of the weight.

None of these hopes is unreasonable, and none of them is free. You don't get them by finding a perfect woman. You get them by being a man who helps build them: steady, respectful and willing to say what you need out loud. Before you commit, talk about money, sex, kids and chores with the person you're considering, because that is where a marriage's real terms are set.